The Creamy Flavor of Celebrity

With the history of Ben & Jerry's slightly funny celebrity flavors, starting with Cherry Garcia and Phish Food and Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream, the name of Willie Nelson's Peach Cobbler is disappointingly average. The Pulitzer Prize-winning Oregonian tries to counter the mediocrity with a celebrity ice-cream naming contest for a nominal prize. Send your entry with name, email, and physical address to this address (theedge@news.oregonian.com) by April 2nd. Some of my ice cream concepts that are less than Oregonian-ready are:

1. Morrissey's William, It Was Really Nothing Like Sherbet

2. Anna Nicole Smith's Double Methadone Tragedy

3. Prince's Purple Rain...Bow Sherbet

4. John Popper's Blueberry Traveller- Now, with hidden arsenal flavor!

or, John Popper's Obese Gun Nuts.

5. Robert Smith's Icing Sugar Smoothie

6. Michael Richard's N is for Nougat Swirl

7. Britney Spears' Oops, I'm Nuts!

8. Marilyn Manson's Mechanical Animal Crackers

9. Bin Laden's Rocky Roadside Bomb

10. John Travolta's Thetan Crunch

11. Beck's Mellow Golden Caramel

12. Prince's Caramel-Colored Funk or

Prince's Under The Cherry Spoon

13. Nick Drake's Pink Moon Pie

14. Snoop's Doggy Chow

Postscript: Well, the results came out and the winner of a motorized ice-cream scooper was for "Dick Cheney's Go Fudge Yourself." I guess the world's not ready for the truth!

Reflections On The Dark Days of the Past

In the nineteen-seventies, before you could watch mediocre teenagers sing on television and vote for them on your phone, people were so desperate for entertainment that sometimes they'd host "baby fights" at private homes, where two babies of similar ages would be dumped onto an ugly bedspread and forced to battle for dominance. The winner took home Similac and a college savings bond. Fortunes were won and lost in off-license betting. Here I am, about to destroy someone named Sarah, as an anorexic ref looks on.

Squirrel Fight!

Holy Vernal Equinox! I saw an undeniable sign of Spring this morning- two squirrels fighting in a tree. They're chittering away at each other in a ferocious manner, circling and chasing around on the branches, and I know they were telling each other "No, YOU get out!" in squirreltalk, but they sounded like furry knitting needles, and were approximately the least threatening thing ever. They only fight during mating season, because each squirrel is trying to keep his bachelor pad sleek and sexy and free of other males, and stocked with fresh nuts and Zima for the ladies. Just like you do.

Future World

Well, yesterday's post was so debauched that today I'm going for "cute." One of the kids I read with as a part of Oregon's SMART program (above, missing six baby teeth) told me today that once he learns to read and finishes school, he's going to China and training to be a Ninja. I think it's so important for today's youth to establish clear and achievable goals.

Did you ever wonder?

The picture below is NSFW, peeps

Hello there! Did you ever wonder what happened to the pictures that you and your friends took naked, playing pool, in your parent's basement in 1996?

You stuck them into a 7" by SF straight-edge band, "Resist", that you later sold or was stolen or something. Surprise!

The most unfortunate thing is that these fellas are str8-edge, 'parently, so they took naked basement pictures totally sober. These boys just could not "Resist" nudity. Click on the "clean" picture to see the "dirty" one. And it really is NSFW dirty, not joke dirty.

Attention Art Goths!

I just ran across this event coming up in Portland on March 13th: You've got yer Nick Cave music and your Sydney Dance Company modern dancers and you mush it all up with costumes by Imitation of Christ and that's what you've got. Remember that it's Friday the 13th that's unlucky, not Tuesday. Here's a really over-compressed short video about the show.

Some of the songs included in the program are: Wild World, Mercy Seat, The Carny, The Weeping Song, The Ship Song, Stagger Lee, and Death is Not the End. The dance opens with a reading from his novel, "And The Ass Saw The Angel."

Songs Least Likely to Appear In A Nick Cave Dance Program: Scum, 6" Gold Blade, and Little Empty Boat.

Postscript: Wow, was I wrong about not using Stagger Lee in the program! When it started as a very intense, Apache-style duet between the brute and the maiden, and the first F-bomb dropped in, I heard the row of nice fifty-year old ladies in front of me take in breath sharply, and I thought, "wait until we get to the line about crawling over fifty good p*ssies to get to a fat boy's assh*le." A couple disgruntled ballet fans walked out, but I think the fifteen year old dance students were pretty psyched about a getting to hear a filthy dirty song.
My review of the ballet is a million, jillion gold stars, flecked lightly with blood. It was so super, I can't tell you. If you hear about it coming through your town, I highly recommend it.

Oh, and any Nick Cave fans should know that the album by his new project, Grinderman, will be available on April 10th, and the website has a nice monkey animation on it.