How To Be A Scintillating Conversationalist

In this age of text messages and Myspace comments, in the sea of LOL's and WTF's, sometimes it's hard to connect to real-life people. Sometimes it can be dispiriting to open a full inbox to find one solitary message from a friend, and sixty-eight offers for a bigger penis. Trying to solve the problem, I first went to 19th century social etiquette manuals, but found that I did not have enough different teaspoons to get anything going. Please allow me to share with you some observations designed to help you muddle along in your day-to-day conversations, performed without aid of animated smiley faces and clips of pornography. Just today, I saw two people attempting to have entire conversations with headphones on, communicating via 1 inch buttons and pictures on their Iphones. Please look through the following and see if you can't start meaningfully connecting with others!

1. Don't talk about being sick, or bad things.
2. Don't talk about babies. Unless the person you're talking to has one, and then you should only talk about their baby. Even a baby one baby removed from their baby, such as a baby friend of their baby, is dull as dingo's kidneys to them. Their baby is the interesting one.
3. For sure, don't talk about sick babies. That's sad.
4. In general, don't talk about bad news unless it's about someone you both know, or a celebrity. This is called gossip, and it's very popular. There are articles that will tell you not to do this, but how can something that feels so good be wrong?
5. Only talk about fun and exciting things going on in your life- awesome trips you're taking, celebrities you're sleeping with, and reality shows you're going to be on.
6. If none of the above are happening, just go ahead and lie. For the most part, other people won't remember and call you on lies you've told, because they weren't listening. Besides, there are so many reality shows, and they are so ridiculous, nothing you can make up will be beyond the pale. If you say you're on a show where C.C. Deville is trying to learn to cook, who's going to question that?
7. Mostly, the other person is thinking about the same thing as you are: how fat you're getting.
8. A word on negativity: I know that it's cool and "hep" to talk about how much everything sucks, but look around you: between global warming, the war in Iraq, and Britney's botched comeback performance, do you really feel that the state of reality is so great that you need to downplay it, or the light and brilliance of the world as it is will blind us? I didn't think so.

Virginia on Neil Gaiman, Live at the Aladdin

Ten seconds of fame, from years ago- I was excited that my own pink-haired blatherings were chosen to intro a video of Neil Gaiman reading Neil Gaiman stories to Neil Gaiman fans. I love him, even though he's the man who made black leather look a little LARP-y.

50 Ways To Lose Your Liquor

If you are ever not sure if you are drunk, the Oregon Liquor Control Commission would like to help you with this downloadable list titled "50 Signs of Visible Intoxication." For your enjoyment and education:

1. Slurred Speech
2. Swaying, Staggering, or Stumbling
3. Unable To Sit Straight
4. Bloodshot, Glassy Eyes
5. Loud, Noisy Speech
6. Speaking Loudly, Then Quietly
7. Drinking Too Fast
8. Ordering Doubles
9. Careless With Money
10. Buying Rounds For Strangers or the House
11. Annoying Other Guests or Employees
12. Complaining About Prices
13. Complaining About Drink Strength or Preparation
14. Argumentative
15. Aggressive or Belligerent
16. Obnoxious or Mean
17. Making Inappropriate Comments about Others
18. Crude Behavior
19. Inappropriate Sexual Advances
20. Foul Language
21. Making Irrational Statements
22. Becoming Depressed or Sullen
23. Crying or Moody
24. Extreme or Sudden Change in Behavior
25. Overly animated or Entertaining (is there such a thing as too much fun?)
26. Drowsiness
27. Drinking Alone
28. Lack of Focus and Eye Contact
29. Bravado, Boasting
30. Difficulty Remembering
31. Rambling Train of Thought
32. Slow Response to Questions or Comments
33. Spilling Drinks
34. Trouble Making Change
35. Difficulty Handling Money
36. Difficulty Lighting Cigarettes
37. Lighting More Than One Cigarette
38. Letting Cigarette Burn Without Smoking
39. Clumsy
40. Difficulty Standing Up
41. Unusual Walk
42. Boisterous
43. Bumping Into Things
44. Falling Off Of Chair
45. Falling Asleep
46. Can't Find Mouth With Glass
47. Falling Down
48. Mussed Hair
49. Disheveled Clothing
50. Overly Friendly to Other Guests or Employees

This is a good list, my favorites for my own use including 5, 17, 25, 48, 29, and 33, and sometimes 41, 31, and 20 even when I haven't been drinking. However, I think that there are some good universal rules of thumb that they might consider including in future editions of the list. I posit that the following are also failsafe indicators of drunkeness:

51. Dancing for undetermined or inadequate reason
52. Demanding to hear Prince, even in the absence of a sound system
53. Groups of five girls trying to sing a karaoke song that only one of them knows
54. And she doesn't have the microphone
55. If it's from the Grease soundtrack, doubly so
56. Nostalgic statements about television of the 1980s, desire for various bands to get back together and tour.
57. Feats of Strength
58. Longing for Pancakes
59. Temporary Lesbianism
60. Stories from High School
61. Accessorizing for humorous effect
62. Tolerance for techno music
63. Bets and Dares
64. Repeats themselves
65. In possession of OLCC list with several things checked off
66. Covered in blood and feathers
67. Repeats themselves
68. Exists in more than 4 dimensions
69. Wears an ankh (sorry, that's top 50 signs of being a goth)
70. Is a goth
71. Repeats themselves
72. Believes they are drinking their drink, but are sipping wax out of a bar candle.
73. Says: "I'm so drunk."
74. Lists the drinks they have had.
75. Any one of the drinks is named after genitals or a sex act.
76. Forgets how many drinks they have had, and decides to start the count over.
77. Forms, joins or quits a band
78. Turns red, falls asleep in Dante's*
79. Sings along to a song in one's head
80. Is a zombie but is not interested in brains.
81. Is observed hitting on a musician
82. Is observed hitting on the bartender
83. Is observed hitting on a comedian (very poor judgement at this stage)
84. Is observed hitting on the DJ (time to call the ambulance, this happens right before unconsciousness)

I hope that this helps everyone in the future!

*Only applies to S.B.

The Dutch Treats are Coming!

Many many years ago, an "afflicted" young man picked up a guitar and threw it on the floor while muttering something about Webster's Emmanuel Lewis. Thus, the Dutch Treats were born. The Dutch Treats achieved legendary underground status in their twin hometowns of Denton and Dallas, Texas since first "playing out" in 1990, and later took Brooklyn, NY by storm, filling the storm drains with absurd rockin' goodness until it flowed out into the streets.

Seventeen years of songs about Chewbacca, Men at Work's Colin Hay, underage crack whores, dwarves, elves, and wizards later, they are debuting in Portland at the revival of the Hive gothnight at Plan B on Sunday, September 2. There are rumors that I'll be doing some spooky standup, and DJ's Retrograde and Retrovirus will be making an appearance, but the thing to see is definitely the Treats. Wouldn't you like to get to know them better?

And here's the world-famous video for the Dutch Treats song, Close Your Robe. It's been banned in fifteen countries, and all of Scandinavia. Come enjoy the music of the man who taught us that bacon+Dr. Pepper=ROCK.

Here's John Freeman's website, and his list of 1036 Band Names .

Postscript: What can be said about the event of the century? If you can't put your finger on what made it so special, go to Wikipedia and cross-reference "annoyed bike messengers who thought they had booked the room for a party" with "confused, overheated goths" and "drinking adventure!"
Johnny Murder, consummate professional, played a great set for his fans.

Laff Traxx

I'm mostly posting this for my mother's benefit, who should know that I don't talk this dirty most of the time.

The *Other* Vancouver!

Goodness gracious, I have an odd assortment of gigs and appearances coming up.

TUESDAY, August 21st: I will be doing two long sets of hi-larity at LAFF TRAXX, a monthly comedy/music night at the Dunes at 1909 NE MLK, Portland's finest underground speakeasy. It starts at 10 and there is a $3 cover, but resident performers Rush n Disco and DJ Solomon promise a hipsterly good time! Please come if you are in the neighborhood and don't like sleeping! Postscript: I never thought I'd laugh so hard at a handless lesbian puppet.

THURSDAY, August 23rd: I am emceeing a comedy night at Club Eclipse in Vancouver, WA with feature act Eric Severson and fantastic headliner Susan Rice! If you have been feeling like you get lost in the crowd when you come out to see me, THIS IS THE NIGHT to attend - this is the last comedy night at this club! They've been terrible, evidently! Please come out- show starts at 9 at 10311 NE HWY 99 in the 'Couve- take 1-5 to 99, (exit 5), and head North on 99 and look for the club on the right!

SUNDAY, Sept. 2nd: I'm so excited to be part of the rebirth of Hive in Southeast Portland, at the new Plan B club at SE 8th and Main! I will be doing comedy *and* DJ'ing, because I am versatile. There are going to be LOTS of exciting acts performing, featuring the historic, hysterical: Dallas' own Dutch Treats! Nobody has to go to work on Monday, so I expect to see you there at 9!

Fantastic Flyer!

Please note that the bologna used is vegetarian Bolo-no. I should also point out that this flyer was generated by DJ Solomon, and all excellence is his doing.

48 Hours With Eddies

Eddie looks up an angel's drawers

I am happy to report I got to see my hero, Eddie Izzard, do a show in Seattle last weekend. I was surprised that the ever-helpful Seattle Stranger curiously promoted the (sold-out) show as being titled "Work in Progress", as it actually was a work in progress. No merch, no tour, no makeup or Uma Thurman breasts (which Wikipedia claims his Sexie rack was modeled from). This set had ramblings about history, language, war, 300, sharks, Wikipedia, Alien, and a fly that hit him in the face onstage. If it sounds like established Eddie, it is, but with new directions, ideas and punchlines, and further honing of his own Eddie-ness. He got a little upset at the PNW tendency of the crowd to scream "WHOO!" at random times, stemming his flow, but I hope that he understood on some level that we are just so filled with love for him that it occasionally escapes our bodies with a high-pitched "woo" noise. I was so excited that I didn't have to fly to El Lay to see one of these, I didn't mind driving from Portland and back in 24 hours.

I had to get back to town to do a comedy workshop with the guy who books for Letterman, veteran comedy scenester Eddie Brill. It was super-great and educational, and he told me about visiting a comedy club that Eddie Izzard ran in London, which may be called Screaming Blue Murder, and I didn't know ever existed. After spending the day working on my act with him, I now feel free to drop his name at every opportunity. Example: "Well, as my good personal friend Eddie Brill, Letterman's comedy booker, says: I'd love a Grande Soy Latte."

Thanks to Tara for the fantastic pictures.

Sexie Motherfucker

At the Crystal, no longer On the Crystal

I got to see one of my favorite people at the Crystal Ballroom last night. He made a Depeche Mode joke, got one of his fans onstage to do part of a song, and wore every jeweled brooch available in the Pacific Northwest. He claims to love Portland as much as we love him. Answers to unasked questions:

Q. Who is winning in the Rufus fanbase, gay men or poetry-writing teenaged girls?
A. Do you want that answer based on individual number or combined weight?

Q. Who is slightly more gay than Rufus Wainwright?
A. Rufus Wainwright dressed as Judy Garland.

Q. What will a line of people waiting to get into the Crystal Ballroom steadfastly refuse to chant?
A. "The Roof! The Roof! The Rufus on Fire!"

Anyway, it was wonderful and very theatrical. Another musician's son opened, his name was Lemon or Lenin or something. He did one song that sounded like the Muppet Show hit, The Rainbow Connection. What's he trying to do, out-gay Rufus? I don't think so, brother.

Oh! Wikipedia claims that Rufus is a descendant of Dutch colonist Peter Stuyvesant, and according to my family, so am I. O cousin Rufus!

Postscript: A handsome gentleman let me know that after the show let out at one ayem, Rufus serenaded the late-night crowd at Silverado with karaoke until closing time. I wish I had the energy of young people!

Shady Dealings in Scapoose

I had no idea that my bulldog was into the occult.

I was in Scapoose recently. Yes. Don't be jealous. I was in Scapoose, minding my own business, and I was SHOCKED to see my own little bulldog, Hazel, naked and dancing in front of flames in some sort of doggy occult ceremony. When I asked her, she said she did not know anything about the illegal trash fire, but hail Satan.