Korea- My, But It's Cute!

If you want to lose five pounds fast, go to Korea and tell them you don't want to eat any animals. We were served something at sushi that would still writhe if poked with a chopstick, and I think it's made me even more vegan. We had Chinese food for lunch, I considered stealing the menu so Beloved Spouse could enjoy the legend of the Frog Congee and Fried Mud Carp Balls and Pig Giblet Soup- alas, I spilled soy sauce on it. I was reading the traveler warnings for Avian Flu, and they pointed out to me that I should avoid eating any raw duck's blood while in Korea, which is all well and good, but what am I supposed to do with my Thursday night now?



Despite keeping me hungry, Seoul is beautiful and ultra-modern. I was annoyed that we missed Hugh Jackman visiting to premiere X-Men 3 at the movie theatre attached to our hotel by a scant five hours. I would have liked to wave at Wolverine in a sea of excited Koreans. We went out to drink and sing karaoke with people from work, (Favorite odd title: "Don't It Make My Brown Eye Blue?") and they sang me a song based entirely on the melody and rhythm of Cyndi Lauper's She-Bop, but the lyrics are not about masturbation at all. They are about rice, naturally. That seems to happen a lot here, there is a video by a k-pop star called Jacky about Korea winning the world cup, and in it the pop star is running around playing soccer heroically, and the Superman theme is in it, totally without irony. The Korea world cup team is the Red Devils, and everyone has a headband with light-up devil horns on 'em, me included. Chico Jones models.

In the gym in Korea, they have a gravity machine that lifts you upside down, a wooden-beaded massage machine, and the vibration machines with the belt that you see women using on postcards from the thirties, and I saw people using all of these apparatus. They also let you borrow workout clothes *and shoes*, so the overall effect of being in the gym is a little Gattaca.

I left Korea at 2PM Friday, then traveled backwards around the world and returned to PDX around 12:40 PM on Friday, an hour and twenty minutes before I left. Oh, I could never get used to space travel. Anyway, I am back home, and someday I will no longer suffer from jet-lag. In other news, Here is a cool trompe-l'oeil painting I saw.

Singapore- Hope You Like Madonna!

Singapore is kind of a dream-state Fantasy Island. At least, the hyper-trendy-spendy Central area is. Every shop is playing Madonna's Hung Up. At one point, I walked out of one shop playing Hung Up and into another playing Lucky Star. It was a Material Node. Singapore is named after the word for Lion in Sanskrit, but there aren't any lions there. It's super hot and Houston humid outside, so the residents have done the only logical thing, which is build a hamster trail of malls from place to place, and all through the subway, so you never have to be un-air-conditioned or without an espresso coffee drink. One of the disadvantages of living in such a wealthy, capitalist city is that you feel a little like a cog in the wheel of a money-making machine. One of the advantages is that there is a lot of public art and sculpture, and you are never without a coffee drink. Also, it is nice to be somewhere that at least feels more superficial than the U.S. This is one of the pieces I really like, it is a Frank Stella from the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton hotel, and to get it all in frame, I think I would have to lie down on the floor, which the employees would really not have liked. On another note, I never cared for Dave Chihuly until I saw some of his work in Singapore. I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.



This is a tanukai kao, the Japanese racoon-dog. He's got huge balls and represents good luck, but you can probably feel your luck change just looking at him. He lives in the Japanese restaurant at the hotel where we were staying. Apparently, there is a children's song about the size and length of his scrotum (tankuki kao's balls shake/even when there is no wind blowing) and I wonder if it is related to the song we sang about do your balls hang low, do they wobble to and fro?


At long last, I have found my own tube of Darlie toothpaste. I saw a great movie this year called CSA: The Confederate States of America (at the behest of my personal friend Ron Bennington), and it is a study of what would happen if the South had won the Civil war. The Mockumentary style is interspersed with commercials for products, many of which were available in the United States until well into the thirties, and Darkie toothpaste was listed as still available in Asia as Darlie or Black Man Toothpaste. And here it is. Smiling Black Minstrel toothpaste, for your mintiest mouth.


Last night at the giant mall that is central Singapore, we went upstairs to a section called "The Groove Zone", and I noticed that "The Groove Zone" is really "Asian Teenage Land." I went B*apeshit. I went to a store called Newbie and a clothing store called Milk and store called Make-Up Store that is a make-up store that carries a brand called Make-Up Store. A nice shopgirl asked if I was here on a shopping trip, and for a moment I fantasized about having the kind of life where I jet off to Singapore to buy Japanese T-shirts and listen to the latest Madonna single in the mall.

Postscript: I never thought my responsibility in this world would be writing a blog as a repository for un-PC foreign products, but a friend has brought me back this item from Helsinki that just would not fly in the States. It is described to me as "salty licorice." Eccch.

Thailand- There's Condoms in the Mini-Bar!

Sign in Boots drugstore in Bangkok: MEN-CONDOMS. You'll be happy to hear that FCUK has a personal care line, so that you can now use FCUK hand cream or FCUK hair rinse.

Yesterday the office building I was in got a visit from Prince Andrew of England, who is in town for the celebration of the Thai King's 60th anniversary, and that was odd because they closed down the lobby and I was kind of milling around on the mezzanine with hundreds of Thai people. I was thinking of Prince William, the naughty-boy prince, but this is Fergie's ex-husband. No word on why he wanted to go to Empire Tower, possibly he just wanted a quick Starbucks.


The Thai people are setting off fireworks and wearing yellow t-shirts that read "Long Live The King" in Thai. The streets are teeming with people, every one of them in yellow. There are reports of price gouging because of high demand on the special shirts. Lance Armstrong would be jealous.

My favorite sign on the train is a little yellow sticker on the end seat saying "PLEASE OFFER THIS SEAT TO MONKS."

One night in Bangkok will make a hard man humble, but I have seen many more hookers than chess games.

Stephin Meritt of the Magnetic Fields is in the Bangkok Post today, it is a reprint of a story from the NYT where he is called a racist because all his favorite music is by white people- It's a ridiculous argument, because if I omit Tori Amos and Tracy Chapman from my favorites list, it doesn't mean I hate women- but it is funny to read about him in Thailand. Also, since I went to Stephin's DJ night at Beauty Bar, I consider him a close personal friend, despite the fact that I was too shy to speak to him.
Y'all know Ronald, right? Ronald is giving you the traditional Thai greeting, pressing his hands together in the gesture that says "Sa-wa-dee-kah!" If his hands were at his forehead, Ronald would be saying that he feels that he is your inferior, but as it is, Ronald feels that he is your buddy.

Ronald is a creepy buddy-clown.

I don't know who this guy is, but he sure looks like he could kick your ass for you.

Bangalore, The Silicon Valley of India!

I'm writing from Bangalore, where your 6:45 AM (Pacific) is my 7:13 PM. It's the extra half hour that fucks with your head. How can I be twelve and a half hours off from home? Here's a beautiful and intricate Hindu temple we saw. The Hindu people have blue, multi-armed gods and are vegetarians, so they're my favorite religion at present.







In India, you just see cows and water buffalo hanging out by the side of the road, and I saw a momma cow and a calf together, and that was awesome. Sometimes there are traffic jams because a heifer decides to lay down in the middle of the road, and people carefully drive around it rather than honk or try to disturb the animal. It is interesting to think about how "Sacred Cow" and "Holy Cow" come from somewhere, although my feeling that "Holy Cow" was on some level offensive meant that I spouted it like a Tourette's victim whenever we were around the locals.






Thank you, it's pronounced "Va-Gi-Na".







On 6/6/06, I was at a place in Bangalore that had wild rabbits kind of loping around that they feed, and when I took their picture I kept getting the flash off their albino eyes, and they looked eeeevil.
There was also a child care facility, and when we stopped in we were handed small candy bars to give the children, and it was just as satisfying as feeding animals at the zoo.




All fans of the Grown-Ups, Denton's finest ska band featuring a dancing Stormtrooper, will appreciate the fact that every time I saw a Bajaj, (the name that Vespa used for the South Asia market) I was stuck with "Bajaj in the Garage" in my head for the next half-hour. My favorite ad was a billboard with a motorcycle reading "Bajaj: Feel Like A God!"
Because gas costs five dollars a gallon, you see quite a few scooters and bikes. It makes our whining about three dollar gas seem excessive.

There was a sign on a firetruck that read "Dead Man Timer Box" on it, and I'd really like to know what that was about.