The Bitter Tears of The Eternal Poseur

On the thirtieth anniversary of the first punk record that I heard, the Sex Pistol's Never Mind The Bollocks, I find myself helplessly drifting off into nostalgic reverie, as the aged will sometimes do. When I was a teenager, I was 12 years too late for punk. It was dead and in a coffin in the King's Road. But I had a haircut and some homemade t-shirts and I remember thinking: "It'll be great, man, when everyone's a PUNK and you go to the bank and the teller is a PUNK and the waitress at the restaurant is a PUNK and the COP is a PUNK and PUNKITY PUNK PUNK PUNK, and we will TAKE OVER." And now, at last, my dreams have come true. Everyone from movie stars to graduate students wears black, smeary eyeliner and has tattoos and a really nice guy at work is a 24 year old Cornell alum with a two-tone faux hawk. And it's terrible. Really, really bad. When I spent my free time getting superfluous facial piercings and listening to questionable music, I felt part of a small, surly culture, but because these pursuits only involved a small cash outlay and willingness to risk infection, they eventually filtered down to the general population. The first time I saw an eyebrow ring/baseball hat combination, I knew it was no longer a mark of my people. Tonight I saw a gentleman on the train with a tongue ring and what is typically known as a "hesher" mustache headed out to the part of town that rhymes with "Hesh-ham".
All I'm saying is: bike messengers, death metal kids, transvestites, animal activists, militants of all stripes and outcasts of all denominations: don't be surprised when one day, people you have nothing in common with look just like you. I found it painful, and I hope you'll steel yourself from that same disappointment.

Robots in Disguise/Lasers in Your Eyes

Lasik: It was weird. They offered me my choice of a stuffed leopard and Spongebob Squarepants to hold during surgery. My first impulse was: I'm an adult and I don't need a comfort animal. However, once they strapped me down and taped my eyes open, I asked where the leopard had gotten to. It's gonna be a dark, dark day before I ask for Spongebob. When the lasers started, I could smell my eyemeats cooking, so I'm pretty sure it's not vegan. I have had plugs put into my tear ducts, so every time I put in eyedrops I weep like I'm watching Babe, The Gallant Pig.
An interesting side effect: several people have asked me if I will have my prescription glasses remade with clear lenses so that I can look the same after surgery, and I have to point out to them that I think that the point of having the surgery is so I don't have to wear glasses. That's kind of the effect I am going for.
I am rocking 20/20 vision today. I am on an intravenous supply of eyedrops. I am not allowed to do anything that involves possibly getting punched in the face. If you see me, please try to avoid that impulse.

Ground Control to Major Dog...

For some reason, I am compelled by ungodly forces to report when my dogs have to go to the vet. Today, Hazel had to have a thorn removed from her paw, just like Aesop's fable, except that instead of a lion, it's a dog who looks like a bat and sounds like a pig, and instead of a mouse, it's a vet, and instead of exchanging favor for favor, he charged us $700.
And now I have a Space Dog, because she can't stop licking her foot. I think my dog is like a person in many respects, but if you had a hurt foot, your solution would never be: lick all the hair off, and when it's red, swollen, and irritated, keep licking.

Never stop licking.

Maybe there's a lesson we can learn here after all, about where persistence gets you- in a space dog collar.

The Return of Labyrinth!

Dear Portlander;

Hold your head up high! I don't know how you've avoided the fact that Labyrinth, that wonder of Muppets, Jennifer Connelly, and David Bowie's crotch, is running at the Hollywood Theatre in a new 35mm print, but it's true! I went to see it with my own eyes, and it was just as wonderful as I had hoped it would be. However, I was a slightly disturbed to find that there were a lot of children in the theatre, since David Bowie's crotch frequently takes up the whole screen. Sometimes, a muppet is talking to directly to it. Here are some questions that you might enjoy looking at the answers to.

Q. Where have I heard that whole "You remind me of a man. What man? The man with the power" business before?
A. You haven't, but it was an old vaudeville bit Cary Grant, Shirley Temple, and Myrna Loy enjoyed in the film "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer".

Q. Do you know the scene with the cleaners, where Hoggle's voice changes for no reason and sounds exactly like Harrison Ford? Do you think that George Lucas allowed them to sample the line from Star Wars?
A. Yes. I think so. I have no proof of this.

Q. Who made the stupid baby-gurgle noises in the same "Magic Dance" song?
A. Dame David Bowie had to, because the baby they brought him was of the non-gurgling type.

Q. Are you obsessed with the Magic Dance song?
A. Yes.

Q. Did you realize that Sarah invented cosplay at the beginning of this film?
A. No, I sure didn't! Thanks for pointing that out!

Q. If you buy the David Bowie as Jareth figurine, how do you prevent him from losing his crystal Michael Moschen juggle-ball?
A. I had to glue mine on.

Q. What does the little elf-person who turns Sarah's marked tile over say?
A. "Your mother is a freaking aardvark!"

Q. Is Labyrinth still the best movie featuring David Bowie and Henson's Creatures?
A. You bet your glittery, felt-covered muppet ass! Get out and see it!

How To Be A Scintillating Conversationalist

In this age of text messages and Myspace comments, in the sea of LOL's and WTF's, sometimes it's hard to connect to real-life people. Sometimes it can be dispiriting to open a full inbox to find one solitary message from a friend, and sixty-eight offers for a bigger penis. Trying to solve the problem, I first went to 19th century social etiquette manuals, but found that I did not have enough different teaspoons to get anything going. Please allow me to share with you some observations designed to help you muddle along in your day-to-day conversations, performed without aid of animated smiley faces and clips of pornography. Just today, I saw two people attempting to have entire conversations with headphones on, communicating via 1 inch buttons and pictures on their Iphones. Please look through the following and see if you can't start meaningfully connecting with others!

1. Don't talk about being sick, or bad things.
2. Don't talk about babies. Unless the person you're talking to has one, and then you should only talk about their baby. Even a baby one baby removed from their baby, such as a baby friend of their baby, is dull as dingo's kidneys to them. Their baby is the interesting one.
3. For sure, don't talk about sick babies. That's sad.
4. In general, don't talk about bad news unless it's about someone you both know, or a celebrity. This is called gossip, and it's very popular. There are articles that will tell you not to do this, but how can something that feels so good be wrong?
5. Only talk about fun and exciting things going on in your life- awesome trips you're taking, celebrities you're sleeping with, and reality shows you're going to be on.
6. If none of the above are happening, just go ahead and lie. For the most part, other people won't remember and call you on lies you've told, because they weren't listening. Besides, there are so many reality shows, and they are so ridiculous, nothing you can make up will be beyond the pale. If you say you're on a show where C.C. Deville is trying to learn to cook, who's going to question that?
7. Mostly, the other person is thinking about the same thing as you are: how fat you're getting.
8. A word on negativity: I know that it's cool and "hep" to talk about how much everything sucks, but look around you: between global warming, the war in Iraq, and Britney's botched comeback performance, do you really feel that the state of reality is so great that you need to downplay it, or the light and brilliance of the world as it is will blind us? I didn't think so.

Virginia on Neil Gaiman, Live at the Aladdin

Ten seconds of fame, from years ago- I was excited that my own pink-haired blatherings were chosen to intro a video of Neil Gaiman reading Neil Gaiman stories to Neil Gaiman fans. I love him, even though he's the man who made black leather look a little LARP-y.

50 Ways To Lose Your Liquor

If you are ever not sure if you are drunk, the Oregon Liquor Control Commission would like to help you with this downloadable list titled "50 Signs of Visible Intoxication." For your enjoyment and education:

1. Slurred Speech
2. Swaying, Staggering, or Stumbling
3. Unable To Sit Straight
4. Bloodshot, Glassy Eyes
5. Loud, Noisy Speech
6. Speaking Loudly, Then Quietly
7. Drinking Too Fast
8. Ordering Doubles
9. Careless With Money
10. Buying Rounds For Strangers or the House
11. Annoying Other Guests or Employees
12. Complaining About Prices
13. Complaining About Drink Strength or Preparation
14. Argumentative
15. Aggressive or Belligerent
16. Obnoxious or Mean
17. Making Inappropriate Comments about Others
18. Crude Behavior
19. Inappropriate Sexual Advances
20. Foul Language
21. Making Irrational Statements
22. Becoming Depressed or Sullen
23. Crying or Moody
24. Extreme or Sudden Change in Behavior
25. Overly animated or Entertaining (is there such a thing as too much fun?)
26. Drowsiness
27. Drinking Alone
28. Lack of Focus and Eye Contact
29. Bravado, Boasting
30. Difficulty Remembering
31. Rambling Train of Thought
32. Slow Response to Questions or Comments
33. Spilling Drinks
34. Trouble Making Change
35. Difficulty Handling Money
36. Difficulty Lighting Cigarettes
37. Lighting More Than One Cigarette
38. Letting Cigarette Burn Without Smoking
39. Clumsy
40. Difficulty Standing Up
41. Unusual Walk
42. Boisterous
43. Bumping Into Things
44. Falling Off Of Chair
45. Falling Asleep
46. Can't Find Mouth With Glass
47. Falling Down
48. Mussed Hair
49. Disheveled Clothing
50. Overly Friendly to Other Guests or Employees

This is a good list, my favorites for my own use including 5, 17, 25, 48, 29, and 33, and sometimes 41, 31, and 20 even when I haven't been drinking. However, I think that there are some good universal rules of thumb that they might consider including in future editions of the list. I posit that the following are also failsafe indicators of drunkeness:

51. Dancing for undetermined or inadequate reason
52. Demanding to hear Prince, even in the absence of a sound system
53. Groups of five girls trying to sing a karaoke song that only one of them knows
54. And she doesn't have the microphone
55. If it's from the Grease soundtrack, doubly so
56. Nostalgic statements about television of the 1980s, desire for various bands to get back together and tour.
57. Feats of Strength
58. Longing for Pancakes
59. Temporary Lesbianism
60. Stories from High School
61. Accessorizing for humorous effect
62. Tolerance for techno music
63. Bets and Dares
64. Repeats themselves
65. In possession of OLCC list with several things checked off
66. Covered in blood and feathers
67. Repeats themselves
68. Exists in more than 4 dimensions
69. Wears an ankh (sorry, that's top 50 signs of being a goth)
70. Is a goth
71. Repeats themselves
72. Believes they are drinking their drink, but are sipping wax out of a bar candle.
73. Says: "I'm so drunk."
74. Lists the drinks they have had.
75. Any one of the drinks is named after genitals or a sex act.
76. Forgets how many drinks they have had, and decides to start the count over.
77. Forms, joins or quits a band
78. Turns red, falls asleep in Dante's*
79. Sings along to a song in one's head
80. Is a zombie but is not interested in brains.
81. Is observed hitting on a musician
82. Is observed hitting on the bartender
83. Is observed hitting on a comedian (very poor judgement at this stage)
84. Is observed hitting on the DJ (time to call the ambulance, this happens right before unconsciousness)

I hope that this helps everyone in the future!

*Only applies to S.B.