I'm on The Opener

For awhile, funny Ohio comic Jim Tews had a web series called The Opener, and I was on it once as Irate Club Denizen.
Unfortunately, it was cancelled, which is sad, although I didn't know you could have something cancelled that you made yourself. It's like cancelling a diary, or a weblog, which is called "blog" to people in the know. Jim has a record coming out on Itunes called "A Reference From My Act", and it is very funny and enjoyable.

Internet Psychic!

I predict that in these tough economic times, people will no longer be Rickrolled, or gently tricked into watching Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up", and will start getting Mickrolled, with Simply Red's "Money's Too Tight To Mention", with even more hideous Ginger Mick Hucknall. You heard it here first!

Wednesday!

The delightful DJ Rhienna has offered that I can host a turkey call contest on Wednesday, which is something I have never done before.

Merry Christmas To Me!

Since a blog, at its evil little heart, is just an electronic medium for belly-button meditation, and since my family occasionally looks at it, I thought I'd let everybody know that I have an Amazon wish list for you to peruse. You know, at your convenience.

Press!

I'm starting this page for to keep my press clippin's!

New York's Digital City Blog article here.

The Comedians Magazine article here.

Auggie Roast Post-Mortem

Super-Christ Auggie-Star

A lot of people who are curious about things that happen in the world, but unwilling to leave their houses for it, have been asking how the Auggie Smith roast went down. Here are the highlights as remembered by me:

Troy Thirdgill in a beautiful daishiki as Reverend Jeremiah Wright, whom I'll bet you didn't even KNOW was a friend of Aug's. Amazing.

Richard Bain wrote a special joke for everybody, and wore his t-shirt that Zach Galifianakis signed, and in general looked like Richard.

Dax Jordan on Lonnie Bruhn: If you took away the palsy, he'd just be cerebral.

Andy Andrist on Dax: What's in his neck, it looks like... an elbow?

Me on Ron Osbourne: Doesn't he look handsome? This is the first time I've seen him in pants that didn't zip into shorts.

Aug on Holli: Holli Pappan, she's the second-hottest comic in Portland, behind Andy Wood.


Me on Aug: He talks about having kids, but he doesn't understand that you have to sleep with the same woman...for nine months...in a ROW.

Andy Wood on Mustard Man: Musty couldn't be here, but he's missed because...

Aug: You're gonna do the Musty jokes?

Andy: I wrote 'em! I'm gonna do 'em!

Andy Wood on Richard Bain: Did you hear that Richard Simmons is going on the Richard Bain diet? He eats shit, but only when it matters!

Art on Richard: What's it like when Richard tries to dress up for an event- AWK-WARD!

Dax on Virginia: She's a vegan, she rides a bike to work, and she's still fat! Me: I'm gonna kill you.

Dax brought some show-and-tell, in the form of a forgotten storage trunk full of Auggie's posessions, including a photo of himself on the toilet, and a Christmas Looney Toones tie, from the dark days when he was first learning to dress himself.

At the end of the night, as we stood around finishing our drinks and laughing at the pain we were going to bring to people who called us fat, we heard a majestic KA-WHUMP and turned towards the sound, many of us crying "Shit, Lonnie!"

But it was a tiny lady's boots sticking in the air, and the semi-sober but very embarrassed Edie Van Ness was fished out from where she had fallen. Once it was clear that she was not hurt, we went back to laughing. She is in the center of this photo, which was taken pre-fall.

Front: Andy Andrist

Behind Andy: Richard Bain and Ron Osbourne

Keith Wallan, Arlo Stone, Edie Van Ness, Auggie Smith, Troy Thirdgill, Holli Pappan, Susan Rice, The Top of Andy Wood's head, Me Looking Like an Ass, Dax Jordan, Art Krug

Comedy Hookers Attack Eugene

The lovely and funny miss Alysia Wood wrote this, but it's such a great account of my weekend that I am stealing it.

Lizzy's "Date-Gate" 2008

Cockblockers?

Four comedians including myself, one with a fashion degree, a plus-size fashion model and the daughter of a former economics professor convicted for beating a Wal-Mart cop were turned loose in a small city with too much free time.

Lizzy Pilcher drove us to Eugene, OR to perform at the NW Women's Comedy Festival. We met up with Portland's Virginia Jones and Veronica Heath at the show.

Afterwards, we ended up at the smallest, saddest, most depressing gay bar on earth. It was called SNAFU, and there was no life, no style and - best we could tell - no gay people.

Not one to have her parade pissed on, Virginia Jones danced on:

In search of a better bar, we passed drunken hipster chicks dancing on the sidewalk. Virginia accosted them with, "Hey, you ladies, be careful! People HAVE been known to Jazzercise themselves to death."

Shortly after that, a car pulled up, "Hey, do you guys know where…?"

Virginia responded with, "We don't speak your language."

This was the moment that I fell in love with Mrs. Thom Jones.

It was raining, freezing, windy and foggy but nonetheless, Veronica decided to have a photo shoot. Since my cries of "Are you fucking serious?" went unanswered, I won't post those photos in protest but here's Virginia and I freezing as they modeled and I GPS'ed directions:

Finally we ended up at Diablo's. Within seconds of arriving, our group melded with a funk band, (initially) to my chagrin.

I should tell you now that man pictured below is the one we've chosen for Lizzy to marry.

Clearly he's got the funk. Only the best for our girl (whether she likes it or not).

Lizzy later voiced that she wanted the photo for her MySpace page, "to make all the boys jealous."

"You mean, more jealous," quipped Veronica, "than that photo of you in that sweater in 10^th grade with your flute?"

"Dude," Lizzy said, it was a clarinet."

I befriended a woman I will call Gramma Panties. As you can see, Virginia loves her also.

Virginia, Gramma Panties and I enthusiastically danced to the band's last song, during which the bassist slid into our booth while playing, stared pointedly at Lizzy and said, "Did you notice I dedicated all the songs to you and worked your name into all of the songs?"

She gave her standard-issue response: wordless devil horns.

Then she awkwardly looked to us for help but all three of her designated cock blockers had secretly agreed that we were going to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. We start snappin' photos.

Maybe it was his day job, the abs, the Philly attitude, the funk, the solar plexus-high green shorts/chains combo or that he was embarrassing the shit out of Lizzy with the gusto of a male stripper but… Virginia and I attempted to get Lizzy trashed. Instead, we got ourselves drunk with one sober but boy-crazy Veronica... all choosing not to come to the rescue of an only mildly-buzzed and severely annoyed Lizzy. It's difficult to outsmart or mind fuck Lizzy Pilcher (read her advice columns). It was 3 to 1 but Team Philly Funk could have used a fourth person.

The bassist, BTW, is due credit for surviving a swim in a 4-female-comic pirhana tank.

Virginia gave the bassist and Gramma Panties her card while Lizzy stared her down. We promised to get them past our show's $25 cover with a chorus of enthusiastic:

"Of course you should go!"

"OMG that would be SO cool."

"You should totally go!"

"We would love it if you went!"

"That would be SO awesome!"

"It's a GREAT show!"

Proof of Drunk includes: we forgot we made this promise and didn't have a guest list.

We stumbled back to the motel giggling, "He's perfect for you" and "Lizzy, shut the fuck up. We know what's good for you."

I knew we were getting through (at least a tad bit) when Lizzy that would normally would (and has) punched me, simply seemed exasperated from being badgered and said, "You're all whores."

We giggled ourselves to sleep. In the middle of the night, Lizzy rolled over, punched me in the face then rolled back over. She seemed asleep but I'm convinced it was a passive aggressive payback.

THE NEXT DAY

Virginia took a page from the military's torture playbook. We awoke to her shrieking, "DID YOU NOTICE I DEDICATED ALL THE SONGS TO YOU AND WORKED YOUR NAME INTO ALL OF THE SONGS?!"

She mocked Lizzy from a foot away, "REMEMBER THAT?"

Lizzy sat up partially and rubbed her eyes. "Yeah... I know…" she said flaty.

"He was so adorable," Virginia pushed.

"Adorable," I echoed. "and you punched me in the fucking face last night."

We then all turned to Veronica, who sat up slowly and said, "Olasyfn ghprnvcisau... ncpaurvnpcim... IUYRiwcey… Mmmmmmmm…."

Veronica attempts morning communication before she has the ABILITY to communicate. I think she was trying to say, "Someone take my picture."

At breakfast (coincidentally) we all wore all black at yesterday's smeared makeup – we probably looked more like a goth cover band.

Instead of dropping the issue like most newly-sober people would, we continued to badger Lizzy then dropped the issue all together. The bill (thanks to 2 for 1 coupons and a cash/credit mix) became a fucking nightmare and I was hungover.

I used the $30 left on my debit card to declare, "I headline so I no longer have to do math," and went outside to smoke, leaving Lizzy and Virginia to figure out the math while Veronica furiously texted in the parking lot.

Two cigarettes later, Lizzy shoved cash in my hand and we formulated our day: coffee, liquor store, convenience store, tattoo shop.

We made is as far as Starbucks before getting side-tracked by a street fair.

We struggled to keep track of Veronica, who is similar to an A.D.D. riddled child and - I can't say it enough – a photo whore.

Virginia usually obliges Veronica's persistent and manic "Get the camera!" (although sometimes Veronica would silently break from the pack and we would later find her in some random place).

Here's one place we found her, wordlessly posing:

However, when Veronica and Lizzy broke from the pack, Virginia continued to walk and said, to me, "Oh, that is NOT happening. I see what they're trying to do and it is not gonna happen."

I looked over my shoulder to see Lizzy and Veronica plopped down next to an elderly man in a colorful shirt who had a parrot on his shoulder (BTW: the face and neck beards didn't connect).

Veronica yelled, "VIRGINIA!"

Virginia yelled back "NO!"

"VIRGINIA!"

"NOooo!"

"VIRGINIA!"

"Nope!"

They did this until we were safely out of ear shot, trying on hats.

Then we met "Frog the Jokeboy" and I was unable to stop Virginia from buying me a set of his books. Meanwhile, Veronica bought peacock earrings, which we berated until we saw them on an episode of Top Model that night.

Veronica then suggested we join the Prop 8 protest across the street and dramatically announced that she would "REFUSE TO REST until my gay brothers can marry."

But first she wanted to find a tattoo shop. Inside, the person at the register asked, "Has she been helped? What can I do for you girls?"

I responded that we needed him to tell Veronica that she couldn't afford a tattoo so we wouldn't be late for our "appointment."

We left her there and a protestin' we went.

SOoooo to recap: Veronica refuses to rest until her gay brothers can marry OR she gets a tattoo…

We, on the other hand, used Virginia's fashion degree to cobble together "the five minute bride" out of a table cloth and white sequined tube top from a religious thrift store.

I'll have you know, a good cause is mandatory if you want to see me in ANY tube top, much less a white, sequined one that is a size too small.

We fashioned together our eye-catching bride in a café bathroom then hurried to the protest.

We found a large drum circle on the courthouse steps and 3 abandoned signs but no Prop 8 protesters. So either it was a VERY quick protest or the popular protest was at a Mormon church. I'll gladly protest a court for equality but protesting a religious organization for voting for their beliefs seems rather hypocritical (even if I disagree with them). Plus, it wasn't walking distance. So we hung around, took photos and talked to homeless people. Lizzy and I posed as a couple.

Veronica arrived and greeted us with "What's going on? Virginia, why are you wearing an eye patch?"

At this point, we headed back to the motel. We passed a booth with cookies. The sign said:

"Got a problem you can't solve? Let us pray with you. Free!

I snickered, "Hey, do you think we can get them to pray for gay rights? How would they react?"

We started reviewing and uploading photos while Veronica morphed into the shower drill sergeant, ordering everyone to lineup for showers (preparing 4 female performers takes a long time).

She and Lizzy went to the convenience store to buy water-based lotion for her behind-the-ear tattoo, which was covered by a napkin that was scotch-taped to her hair but otherwise flapping around.

On the way back, a pierced woman in a Camaro pulls up to them and yells at Veronica, "Hunney, you gots some toilet paper behind yer ear."

Veronica responded, "I know. It's not toilet paper."

"Well," the woman yelled back, "I thoughts maybe yer friend was trickin' ya and ya didn't know."

To which Veronica responded, perplexed and annoyed, "How would my friends TAPE toilet paper to my HEAD without me knowing it?

Note: She forgot to buy the lotion.

THAT NIGHT:

The Best Part

I'm smoking and drinking a cup of coffee outside of the cabaret that night when Lizzy abruptly punches me in my "coffee arm".

"Dude," I snap, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"THE BASSIST IS HERE," she yelled.

"SO," I shot back, "why are you fucking punching me?"

She stared at me for a few seconds as though as I was supposed to have empathy until she realized that she wasn't getting any.

"Shit," she said under her breath, "He paid the $25 cover." She threw her hands in the air, rolled her eyes and said louder, "Now I HAVE to sleep with him… FUCK!"

I shrugged and sipped my coffee.

On my way back from backstage, I passed Lizzy preparing to go onstage who locked eyes with me and said, "Fuck you."

I laughed and kept walking… because I'm a good friend.

She then proceeded to go onstage and CRUSH. At one point, she told the audience that we'd all run out of money and asked for someone to buy her a beer. A few beats later she sneered sarcastically, "I'm sure there's a LINE of men to buy me a beer."

Um… in the back of the room, Veronica, Virginia and I started FUCKING HOWLING because we saw the bassist spring up to buy her a beer. Lizzy, oblivious, gave us the stink eye. A minute or so later, he brought her the beer onstage and –

the look on her face…

WAS…

…UTTERLY…

PRICELESS…

AND WE HAVE IT ON VIDEO…

And it got BETTER and BETTER and BETTER…

Over the audience, farthest from the camera I suspect that you will distinctly hear three women UTTERLY losing their shit with reckless abandon. I'm probably the loudest.

I don't want to spoil what happened next but if you read this far then you owe it to yourself to experience this:

In the meantime I can tell you that I got:

That video

One wicked hangover

Two new friends

Two gifts from Virginia (copies of "I Was A Teenage Frog" by Frog and "The S & M Frog Joke Book: Recycled Jokes" by Frog (and by copies, I mean Xeroxes))

A White, Sequined, One-Size-Too-Small Tube Top

2.4 trillion photos of Veronica

Also, Lizzy would like you to know that Burrito Boy is the best burrito place ever.

"Happy Holidays!" from the four of us.

Now if you'll excuse me, the three of us are planning Lizzy's wedding (whether she likes it or not).

I Been Hyp-mo-tized!

I just got word that my sister, the lovely and talented Laura Ryan-Day, is in the Wall Street Journal today and will be on Good Morning, America on Monday, discussing how hypnosis is helping her clients cope with the financial downturn. Anyone in the Austin, TX area looking to be hypnotized by a stone fox should check out her website here.

She has offered to hypnotize me before, but since she is my little sister and owes me some back pay for our childhood, I have always been concerned that she will put me down for anxiety but when I wake up I will cluck and scratch the ground like a chicken anytime someone uses the word "potato."

My other sister, Emily, has of course had quite a bit of media coverage for her freebies blog and advice on living on the cheap in New York City. If I could think of a way to help people through the financial crunch, we'd be a dang cheapskate empire!

Umm, I think the pic is photoshopped. I don't remember Simon being that blurry.

Pacific Northwest Women's Comedy Festival, Part 3!

Where's Badinia?

If you like funny things, live in or around Eugene, and either know a woman or are one, please come check out two nights of comedy at the Third Annual Pacific NorthWest Women's Comedy Festival at the Actor's Cabaret, November 14th and 15th! This year, there are two nights of laughs, with comics from Seattle, Portland, Eugene, Corvallis (I know! Corvallis!) and elsewhere. I'll be performing on the 14th, and hanging out the rest of the time.

Producer and booker Leigh-Anne Jasheway-Bryant is posting updates and promo information on the participating comedians here: Comedy Festival Blog. This is my third year attending and my second year performing and I'm looking forward to it. It's also part of The Grrrlz Rock! month of women in music.

Pacific Northwest
Women’s Comedy Festival ‘08
November 14 & 15, 7-10 p.m.
Actors’ Cabaret of Eugene, 996 Willamette

Friday, November 14 7-10 p.m.
The Best of Oregon
Melody Dodd, The Free Range Chix, Veronica Heath, Leigh Anne Jasheway-
Bryant, Virginia Jones, Potpie Theater, Ashly Reiss, Sarah Ulerick

Friday, November 14 10-midnight
Booze & Schmooze
Join the Pacific Northwest’s funniest females for two hours of giggling and partying.

Saturday, November 15th
The Best of Washington (with one Best of Oregon thrown in for good measure)
Amy Alpine, Sebrina Doyle-Schultz, Robin Fairbanks, Bryley Hull, JeanAnn O’Brien, Suzanne Park, Lizzy Pilcher, Alysia Wood


Tickets are $25 for each show. The Booze & Schmooze is also $25. You may purchase yours by calling 541/683-4368 or logging onto http://www.actorscabaret.org/tickets.php.

Who Are These Funny Women Anyway?

Amy Alpine is a board-certified clinical sexologist and stand-up comic. She prides herself on rarely confusing the two professions. She is also the former producer of Standing Room Only, a television comedy talk show and the former host of a weekday radio show in Seattle.

Melody Dodd performs comedy to prevent herself from adding husband #4 to her permanent record. She has performed for the Cottage Grove Elks Club and can now die happy.

Sebrina Doyle -Schultz is a fabulously funny multitasking mama and self-proclaimed superwoman who mines comedic gems from the rubble of life.

Standing a whopping 4’11”, Robin Fairbanks sees life through the eyes of a woman who truly understands that, “Life is short!” Robin co-founded The Material Girls and The Divine Order of the Ha Ha Sisterhood shows in Seattle. comics with audiences who craved their brand of humor.
The Free Range Chix are hysterical and 100% organic and steroid-free. At least they are today. With their pitch-perfect vocals and thigh-slapping comedy, don’t be surprised if you end up singing one of their songs at your next annual exam.

Often referred to as a Party Girl Comic, Veronica Heath delivers comedy that will have you blushing a little and laughing a lot. She was a part of the Shades of Laughs Comedy Tour and placed in the finals of the 2007 Stephen Colbert Portland Amateur Comedy Competition and others.

Having overcome her education, Bryley Hull spends her time writing, doing improv, and spending time with family (and not just to get new material, honest!). She has performed in comedy clubs all around Seattle.

Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant couldn’t decide whether to become a politician or a comedian, but having no grasp of foreign policy whatsoever and not being able to see Russia from her hometown of Eugene, she decided to make people laugh. She’s the 2003 Erma Bombeck Humor Writing winner, a former radio host, and has performed at clubs and conventions all across the U.S.

Virginia Jones was a finalist in Portland’s 2007 Amateur Comedy Competition, The Portland Mercury’s PIZZAZZ talent show, and in Portland’s Comedy Knockout. Her mother is proud of her.

JeanAnn O’Brien is a big force in the Seattle comedy scene, but if the new diet works, that won't be true much longer. Throwing caution to the wind and displaying a disregard for public safety, JeanAnn goes on stage completely devoid of estrogen. She is the founder of the Divine Order of the Ha Ha Sisterhood and has played in comedy clubs and for conferences, luncheons, and retreats all around the country.

Suzanne Park was a finalist in the Oxygen Network's "Girls Behaving Badly" talent search. In 2005 she was the winner of the Seattle Sierra Mist Comedy Competition, and in 2007 she was a semi-finalist in NBC's "Stand Up For Diversity" showcase in San Francisco.

Lizzy Pilcher is 73 inches of sarcasm and self deprecation that melds potent blend of humor that is truly unique. She has performed all over the Pacific Northwest including: the Seattle Comedy Underground, Tacoma Comedy Underground, Giggles Comedy Club, Laughs Comedy Cafe in Bellevue, and Yuk Yuk's in Vancouver, B.C. When not doing comedy, she shuffles papers for the man.

Potpie Theater, voted by their own parents as "The Best Thing Ever" in an impressive three to one victory, formed in 2005. Their performances, an off-beat blend of improvisational theater and sketch comedy, have entertained audiences since only very slightly later in 2005.

Ashly Reiss alternates stand-up comedy and meetings of Shy People Anonymous, where she is Treasurer and Class Clown. She doesn’t have a day job and thanks you not to suggest she stick with it.

From her secret life as the comedy column writer on her high school paper in Virginia, to a 1970s improv group at the Red Dog Saloon in Juneau, Alaska, to her current 15-year shtick as Eugene's Queen Bananita Sluginsky, the first Russian-Western-American S.L.U.G. Queen, Sarah Ulerick she has always used humor for good not evil.

Alysia Wood was selected by Campus Activities Magazine as a Hot Comedian of 2009. She hopes they are referring to her material. She's appeared on Bob & Tom, Comedy Time and in bankruptcy court where the judge ruled, "it's really too bad you don't have better 'people' because you really are quite funny."

Auggie Roast!

Auggie Smith Roast! The very funny Auggie Smith is getting the what-for on Monday, November 17th, at the Fez ballroom at 8:00- his nearest and dearest will FINALLY be letting him know what we really think of him. Portland luminaries Susan Rice, Troy Thirdgill, and Art Krug will be taking a turn, along with about a dozen others, including one Virginia Jones- I think the attendance could max out on his ex-girlfriends, but you might be able to get a seat if you were really nice.

Favorite Things

This flyer, featuring a mash-up of G.W. and a Smiths album cover, has been making me laugh on my bike commute for a week, so finally I post it, 24 hours after the event occurred.