Bill Hicks' Principles of Comedy

Lifted from www.thenerdist.com

BILL HICKS’ PRINCIPLES OF COMEDY

1. If you can be yourself on stage nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.

2. The act is something you fall back on if you can’t think of anything else to say.

3. Only do what you think is funny, never just what you think they will like, even though it’s not that funny to you.

4. Never ask them is this funny – you tell them this is funny.

5. You are not married to any of this shit – if something happens, taking you off on a tangent, NEVER go back and finish a bit, just move on.

6. NEVER ask the audience “How You Doing?” People who do that can’t think of an opening line. They came to see you to tell them how they’re doing, asking that stupid question up front just digs a whole. This is The Most Common Mistake made by performers. I want to leave as soon as they say that.

7. Write what entertains you. If you can’t be funny be interesting. You haven’t lost the crowd. Have something to say and then do it in a funny way.

8. I close my eyes and walk out there and that’s where I start, Honest.

9. Listen to what you are saying, ask yourself, “Why am I saying it and is it Necessary?” (This will filter all your material and cut the unnecessary words, economy of words)

10. Play to the top of the intelligence of the room. There aren’t any bad crowds, just wrong choices.

11. Remember this is the hardest thing there is to do. If you can do this you can do anything.

12. I love my cracker roots. Get to know your family, be friends with them.

Chub-up-date!

Dear People;

I know it seems like Chariots of Rubber is all I write about these days, but that is largely because it is all I think about, or do. We are starting up again at the Interstate Firehouse on August 20th, running the 21st, 22nd, and at 6PM on the 23rd- and I will be playing Cindy, the Erotic Pleaser every night after Thursday. The show has new choregraphy, new films, a new theatre, and a new ending! It's more Chubber than ever before!

During last night's dress rehearsal, I was told my dress was not whorish enough, which has never happened to me before. Come out and see us! Ticket info and showdates here!

Love, Pleather, and Chariots of Rubber.

Conan must blow up Richard Bain's Car!

Bobby Hacker helps Portland's own very funny Richard Bain demonstrate to Conan O'Brien why his car must be destroyed. Please watch and vote!

Fourth Time's The Charm!

The Pacific Northwest Women's Comedy Festival (formerly the Oregon Women's Comedy Festival) is approaching its fourth and most awesome year yet. Featuring both established comics and newcomers, this year's show is certain to be more fun than a barrel of all-girl monkeys devoted to nothing but having fun!

The festival will be held this year at the Wildish Theater, Springfield, OR. Doors open at 6:30 for wine & beer, show starts at 7. Tickets are $25 and are available at accidentalcomic.com or by calling 541-688-1674.

This year's line-up:

Melody Dodd
Patrice Dotson
Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant (accidentalcomic.com)
Virginia Jones (www.badinia.com)
Sharon Lacey (sharonlaceycomedy.com)
Lisa Myers (bitchcomic.com)
Rylee Newton (myspace.com/ryleenewton)
JeanAnn O'Brien (hahasisterhood.com)
Emily Richman
Whitney Streed (myspace.com/ca_femme_emancipee)
Sarah Ulerick

Headliner:
Susan Rice ~ myspace.com/sricearoni

The Return of Chariots of Rubber!

Chariots of Rubber tickets are now available for the second run-

Bigger! Better! Bloodier!
I am singing the role of Cindy, the Erotic Pleaser, a street-weary and shopworn prostitute, with a legendary past and a strange secret, but miles to go before she sleeps- so basically playing myself, for all shows except Thursday, August 20th! Visit the website, built by the wonderful Pete, for tickets and more information!

Revelation Du Jour

Adventures in Casinos- Spirit Mountain Edition!

I told a secret to a wolf at Spirit Mountain Casino.

Last night I did a comedy show with one of my favorite ladies, Susan Rice, at Spirit Mountain Casino in Grand Ronde. It was one of those shows where we performed to people who did not know they were being performed to, and who mostly just wanted to eat oversized desserts and then go put their money in plasma-screen slot machines. However, we soldiered on, had fun, and tried to maintain a PG-13 rating.

I got up this morning to return to civilization, using my food voucher to secure a soy latte for the road. It is never clearer that I am far from home than when I visit a casino coffee shop.
I was sold a bagel, which was wearing a sticker proudly proclaiming that it was fresh on Tuesday. I decided not to eat it, but it functioned very well in the car as kind of a cinnamon-raisin air freshener. They do have soy milk- score!- but the barista asks if I have a food allergy, or if I "make a choice" not to drink milk. I explain to her that I am a total pain-in-the-ass vegan. People really seem to prefer when it's not a moral stance- if I just had a lactose allergy, it wouldn't be a judgement on her life.
I also have a personalized coffee cup with all my favorite stuff on it that I got at Star*ucks, and carry from town to town like a security blanket- if you want the same one, you can download the art here, or use it as a template for your own amazing tumbler! As I handed it over, the very sincere barista asked if I would mind if she made my coffee in a paper cup, like regular, and then poured it into my travel cup. I pointed out to her sweetly, that really doesn't save a tree, does it? And she said, oooooh. I guess not!

Oh pinko Portland! How I love thee!

Nothing can prepare you for casino life. Wolf shirts are worn without irony. People smoke cigarettes INSIDE. You think you can take it? I'd like to see you try!

Web Site Meter Reader

After a couple months of participating in the "blogosphere", (which has now nearly been Twittered to death)I put a counter on my page so that I could feel more popular and thus sleep better at night. It lets me know how many people visit and how long they stay-
There is a kind of neat function called Referrals where I can see if people came directly to my site (friends and acquaintances) or if they gotten here by searching for something. Some of the results have been troubling, but I have soldiered on. I have also gotten hits from searches on:

Stinky+Feet+Sex (I have used those three words, but never ever together.)

Lolita+Nude (I am not what they were looking for, so they only stayed for 0.0 seconds. Still makes me feel icky.)

As soon as the Boosh hit the States, I started getting 30 hits a day on old+gregg+costume, which is nice-

But two days ago, I recieved a visit from someone interested in:

Buy+Crack+Smoking+Equipment

And I have got to say, kids, please don't do searches on the computer on where to buy crack smoking equipment. This is something you should learn on the streets. Approach a disreputable adult, or someone who frequently sells stolen goods at three in the morning. They'll know.

Postscript: I am republishing this post because I got a hit on where+to+buy+crack+in+los+angeles, and I think the answer is: Los Angeles.

Post-postscript: I just got a hit for virginia+jones+breasts, and I would like to say that while I am flattered, those are still available for private viewing only.