Shady Dealings in Scapoose

I had no idea that my bulldog was into the occult.

I was in Scapoose recently. Yes. Don't be jealous. I was in Scapoose, minding my own business, and I was SHOCKED to see my own little bulldog, Hazel, naked and dancing in front of flames in some sort of doggy occult ceremony. When I asked her, she said she did not know anything about the illegal trash fire, but hail Satan.

A Night In Bagdad

Here's my set from the Bagdad Theatre last night. It was a magical evening, what with the Harry Potter line from Powell's wrapping around the block, the confused young ladies leaving the Tegan and Sara show in hoodies and identical haircuts, and a great attendance to a late-night comedy show! Thanks so much to the promoter, Tristian Spellman, and to everyone who came out, by whom I mean Amy, Chris, Chris, Darrell, Margo, Cara and her posse, Marc, Randy, Jane and her sister and her sister's sister, Pete, Alex, Mike, Megan, and everyone else who I forgot to mention. You're the best. It was an honor to open for the hilarious Susan Rice. She started stand-up in 1983, so I should be as funny as she is in 2030. I can't wait! Thanks to the Marconi Radio Show and Holli Pappan for saying my name on the radio, and thanks for Marconi for inventing the radio wireless by stealing it from Nikola Tesla.

Time-Travel Shocker

A fantastic individual has passed me this blog of antique photographs: imagine my surprise to learn that my own Chico is 92 years old!

That's 644 in dog years!

No wonder he doesn't like kids in his yard.

I've Never Really Been, So I Don't Really Know.

Here is the incredibly beautiful view of the island paradise Cozumel from inside the air-conditioned plane. I remember this moment vividly, because it was the last time I would be happy for a week. Looking at the other people on the plane, I began to wonder if I was going to like resort life. They appeared to be tanned, puka-shell-wearing, bikini-sporting, flip-flopping, entitled rich kids. If you can't tell the difference between paint thinner and vodka, and you believe you can outdrink the house at $200 a night, you'll really like an all-inclusive resort at Cozumel. If you want to swim with dolphins for $100, have sex with one for $200, or beat up a drugged, beached shark for $300, you would also enjoy Cozumel. It was a jillion degrees, and I was constantly surrounded by yammering, drunken, horny morons. I found myself compelled to steal other patron's kidneys, not for the black market but just to throw in the sea for sexually abused dolphins to eat. At one point, I overheard a lobster-red gentleman explain to a young lady that tequila is like sex. Because I quickly covered my ears and moved away, I have had to extrapolate that they both burn going down, and in both cases you may have to eat a worm.

This five-foot iguana had to serve as a dog surrogate during our trip. He liked bananas, and tried to get the tip of Spouse's finger as well. He could change color from bright green to orange, depending on what he felt like and what the current magazines claimed was fashionable.


Having a whale of a time in Cozumel
The wedding, long story short: It was a hundred degrees on the beach at 4PM, and I got to wear a floor-length polyester gown. Please note my whale necklace, picked out for me by my sister the bride, who did not feel that asking a six-foot tall person to wear the world's largest mammal around her neck would hurt her feelings. My other sister got a bee. Bees give the world honey and cute animal costumes. Whales give blubber and waxy vomit. Family is overrated.

Terrorista

I am waiting at the airport for a midnight trip to Mexico, "mobile blogging" on a Nokia 770, and have brazenly managed to sneak a 4.0 oz container of contact solution past the armed guards and the large signs sternly admonishing that nothing over 3.4 oz was permitted. I am giddy over my smooth criminality. Now all I have to do is work out how to take down an commercial aircraft with 0.6 oz of ReNu combination soft contact disinfectant/storage solution. I will be back soon, and many thanks to you if you are one of the three lucky people who agreed to watch my animals.

Six Degrees Of Simon Pegg

New York Gossip! My little sister is friends with a popular film director's sister, who has been dating Edgar Wright, the adorable, slightly Goth director of the fine films Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead, not to mention the phenomenal UK TV Series Spaced.
I'm four degrees away from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost! I am still only one degree away from my sister.

I wish *my* brother Robert was a famous director, but now Youtube has given him a place to expose his films to the world. I did the women's costumes for this fine feature film, Kung Fu Girl's Club. It has a certain...Charmed.

The Miss of Sythifuth

So, I like my teeth so much, I recently had them Saran-Wrapped to keep them nice for company. Really, I hate them so much, I got clear braces. I'm only on my third set, and already a buck tooth is sliding in line next to his friend, millimeter by millimeter. It's scientific! It doesn't hurt, but it feels like an elevator full of people pushing up against each other, and some of them have inappropriate erections. Another interesting side effect is that many people I mention my braces to immediately tell me about the flaws they hate in their own teeth, many of which I barely noticed. However, if you see me in real life and notice that I'm lisping or spitting, that could be why. Or it could be that I'm a gay cobra.