Here is the incredibly beautiful view of the island paradise Cozumel from inside the air-conditioned plane. I remember this moment vividly, because it was the last time I would be happy for a week. Looking at the other people on the plane, I began to wonder if I was going to like resort life. They appeared to be tanned, puka-shell-wearing, bikini-sporting, flip-flopping, entitled rich kids. If you can't tell the difference between paint thinner and vodka, and you believe you can outdrink the house at $200 a night, you'll really like an all-inclusive resort at Cozumel. If you want to swim with dolphins for $100, have sex with one for $200, or beat up a drugged, beached shark for $300, you would also enjoy Cozumel. It was a jillion degrees, and I was constantly surrounded by yammering, drunken, horny morons. I found myself compelled to steal other patron's kidneys, not for the black market but just to throw in the sea for sexually abused dolphins to eat. At one point, I overheard a lobster-red gentleman explain to a young lady that tequila is like sex. Because I quickly covered my ears and moved away, I have had to extrapolate that they both burn going down, and in both cases you may have to eat a worm.
This five-foot iguana had to serve as a dog surrogate during our trip. He liked bananas, and tried to get the tip of Spouse's finger as well. He could change color from bright green to orange, depending on what he felt like and what the current magazines claimed was fashionable.
Having a whale of a time in Cozumel
The wedding, long story short: It was a hundred degrees on the beach at 4PM, and I got to wear a floor-length polyester gown. Please note my whale necklace, picked out for me by my sister the bride, who did not feel that asking a six-foot tall person to wear the world's largest mammal around her neck would hurt her feelings. My other sister got a bee. Bees give the world honey and cute animal costumes. Whales give blubber and waxy vomit. Family is overrated.
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