My Sisters on Good Morning, America

The camera loves my sisters, and they love to give me the business. I especially like how my mother gets cut off in the middle of her favorite phrase, "Listen to your mother!"

Christmas Eve Massacre!

An innocent Cinnamon Bear was trying to go to bed and wait for Santa, with his Mallomar Christmas tree and a wreath made out of a fruit loop and half a Red Hot, when a horrifying creature showed up and destroyed his house.

Chico did not actually get to eat as much of the house as it looks like, although he did throw up gingerbread graham crackers later. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Zombie Movies

With I Am Legend in the theatres and Christmas in the air, my friend Homero and I recently fell to reminiscing about our favorite Zombie Holiday films. There have been so, so many.

All I want for Christmas is BRAINS! (1992)

How the Zombies Stole Christmas (1966)

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever Ruined With Moaning And Killing(1986)

Frosty the Undead Snowman(1969) (TV)

It's A Wonderful Reanimated Life (1946)

Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence- Are You Undead, Yet? (1983)

Miracle on 34th Street- Grandpa Came Back! (1947)

Yes Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus, But He Is A Brain-Eating Zombie (1991) (TV)

They're Coming To Get You, Barbara! Holiday Special (1987)

That's Not Holly, That's A Blood-Spattered Ficus (1984)

Happy Holidays, everyone!

I'm Feeling Itchy- 'Cos I've got the Hive!

I've been asked to step in for a scheduled DJ, who, while reading old Propaganda magazines and crimping his hair, exceeded the gothic saturation point and melted into a puddle of hair dye, body piercings, and eyeliner. Anyone familiar with the New Rotic brand knows to expect a tantalizing mix of vintage British spookiness, post-punk, and new wave, and in general music good for wearing PVC and corsets to. Come out and mope with me!

What would you do?

What would you do if you opened up the Coastal Weekend publication and this majestic beast of an advertisement stared you in the face? Up to 30 people came down and took us up on the offering of two ladies doing comedy in the Pacific Northwest's oldest standing masonic lodge. Mommas, lock up your sons, especially if you are already dating them. Many thanks to the hilarious Susan Rice for showing me how it's done.

Number 1 Crush!

Have You Seen This Boy?

Everybody has one, their first painful, awful, wonderful, unrequited crush? Right? Anyone? This is mine,Jeremy Schwartz. This is his picture from our Junior High yearbook, where he was voted Funniest Boy. He was active in drama and was a generally hilarious guy. I had never met a hipster before, and I liked him so much that I talked like a retarded crazy person every time we met. I literally made no sense. I know a lot of you are saying; "But how could you ever be socially awkward?" but believe me when I say: Late bloomer. Something about being raised in a basement by a man who had no friends kept my social skills weak. When the day came that I asked a friend of his what he thought of me, I was only mildly surprised to get the answer, "He's pretty creeped out, and finds you stalker-y." This did not dissuade me from planning to name our first child Echo Schwartz, after the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen*.

Fast forward twenty years, and I found his name in an IMDB listing for the fantastic, doomed, Strangers with Candy, and dropping Viper-related wisdom on Sopranos, and I was thrilled to when Tivo fished him out of an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger as a snitch named Nicky. Spouse was vaguely horrified to see that I was looking at an episode of W,TR, and then said flatly, "Oh. It's the guy from the yearbook." When I heard him speak his lines, telling Chuck Norris' friends that he would tell them anything to stay out of prison, I time-traveled back to 1987. I have maximum respect for his pursuit of his art, and I am so knocked out by some of the credits he's racked up, I wanted to post his first dedicated fan page here, in an attempt to spice up his Google search.

*Don't write to correct me when I'm quoting Young Ones.

Ten Thousand!

Well, it's been coming for several weeks now, and I've been trying to think of something clever to write about it and have failed miserably. Listen, I know a lot of you have just stopped in looking for pictures of nude lolitas and trying to figure out how to dress as Old Gregg or buy some crack, but I know that at least five of you are my actual friends checking in on what I'm up to, and I want to say thank you. Happy 10,000 website hits, everybody! Google will probably buy me out soon. It's been great!
P.S. I'm happy to say that the bestest band ever, Peroxide Mocha, is back in action after four quiet years- click on the picture above to hear their inspirational song, "Good Ideas."