Reflections On The Dark Days of the Past

In the nineteen-seventies, before you could watch mediocre teenagers sing on television and vote for them on your phone, people were so desperate for entertainment that sometimes they'd host "baby fights" at private homes, where two babies of similar ages would be dumped onto an ugly bedspread and forced to battle for dominance. The winner took home Similac and a college savings bond. Fortunes were won and lost in off-license betting. Here I am, about to destroy someone named Sarah, as an anorexic ref looks on.

Squirrel Fight!

Holy Vernal Equinox! I saw an undeniable sign of Spring this morning- two squirrels fighting in a tree. They're chittering away at each other in a ferocious manner, circling and chasing around on the branches, and I know they were telling each other "No, YOU get out!" in squirreltalk, but they sounded like furry knitting needles, and were approximately the least threatening thing ever. They only fight during mating season, because each squirrel is trying to keep his bachelor pad sleek and sexy and free of other males, and stocked with fresh nuts and Zima for the ladies. Just like you do.

Future World

Well, yesterday's post was so debauched that today I'm going for "cute." One of the kids I read with as a part of Oregon's SMART program (above, missing six baby teeth) told me today that once he learns to read and finishes school, he's going to China and training to be a Ninja. I think it's so important for today's youth to establish clear and achievable goals.

Did you ever wonder?

The picture below is NSFW, peeps

Hello there! Did you ever wonder what happened to the pictures that you and your friends took naked, playing pool, in your parent's basement in 1996?

You stuck them into a 7" by SF straight-edge band, "Resist", that you later sold or was stolen or something. Surprise!

The most unfortunate thing is that these fellas are str8-edge, 'parently, so they took naked basement pictures totally sober. These boys just could not "Resist" nudity. Click on the "clean" picture to see the "dirty" one. And it really is NSFW dirty, not joke dirty.

Attention Art Goths!

I just ran across this event coming up in Portland on March 13th: You've got yer Nick Cave music and your Sydney Dance Company modern dancers and you mush it all up with costumes by Imitation of Christ and that's what you've got. Remember that it's Friday the 13th that's unlucky, not Tuesday. Here's a really over-compressed short video about the show.

Some of the songs included in the program are: Wild World, Mercy Seat, The Carny, The Weeping Song, The Ship Song, Stagger Lee, and Death is Not the End. The dance opens with a reading from his novel, "And The Ass Saw The Angel."

Songs Least Likely to Appear In A Nick Cave Dance Program: Scum, 6" Gold Blade, and Little Empty Boat.

Postscript: Wow, was I wrong about not using Stagger Lee in the program! When it started as a very intense, Apache-style duet between the brute and the maiden, and the first F-bomb dropped in, I heard the row of nice fifty-year old ladies in front of me take in breath sharply, and I thought, "wait until we get to the line about crawling over fifty good p*ssies to get to a fat boy's assh*le." A couple disgruntled ballet fans walked out, but I think the fifteen year old dance students were pretty psyched about a getting to hear a filthy dirty song.
My review of the ballet is a million, jillion gold stars, flecked lightly with blood. It was so super, I can't tell you. If you hear about it coming through your town, I highly recommend it.

Oh, and any Nick Cave fans should know that the album by his new project, Grinderman, will be available on April 10th, and the website has a nice monkey animation on it.

How to Rule The Cosmos

I had the opportunity to open a comedy night at Cosmos Bar and Grill last night, which made me nervous because a: Cosmos has no "web presence", which means that it does not really exist in my universe, and b: When I cruised it earlier in the day, there were silhouettes of people playing various sports on the window. I do not historically get along with two-dimensional sport fanatics. However, the crowd was very friendly (read: drunk) and I had a great time opening for Lonnie Bruhn, Keith Wallan, and Troy Thirdgill, with emcee Gabe Dinger. I think I killed, or at the very least, I seriously maimed. I was happy with it, you can judge for yourself here. Oh, and if you are one of the half-dozen family members and friends that I made fun of, you should know that I didn't mean it. I love you.

Valentine's Thievery

This card isn't mine, it's from i-mockery.com, but I love you so much I have to share it.

Blade Runner Is Now!

I was watching Blade Runner for the jillionth time today, and was surprised to note that the film is set in 2019, so we're almost there (although the novel was set 27 years earlier). Like in all great sci-fi, a lot of the weird futur-ey stuff from the film is now commonplace. Like the big ad screens, although they are less likely to show demure Geishas eating small treats and are more likely to let you know that you can see a BOAT SHOW or a GOAT SHOW or BUY A GOAT WITH NO MONEY DOWN or somesuch-I can't pay attention or I will drive the Volvo into a wall. So, giant ad screens: check.

Mechanical Animals:


Check!

Strippers:


Check! Incidentally, do you think I'd be working in a place like this if I could afford a real snake?


Traffic:

Check!

Pollution so pervasive it creates a canopy, and it rains all the time:

I live in Portland, so...Check!

Genetic modification, cloning, and sexy androids:



Check!

Nutsy Space Travelers:





I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.




Bitch, you better stay the hell away from my man or I swear to Jesus I will strap on some Huggies and drive all night to stab you with knives! I'll show you why he loves me!

Check!



Spinners, or any sort of hover-car:

MINUS! And we've only got 12 years left! Get up on it, science! We need to hover!

How many? Less than Three!

My friend Peet set up this site for me, and made the above logo of me in my Gothic Lolo outfit, and remixes songs and generates new ones, and is a helluva Dance, Dance Revolution and ParaPara Paradise player, and has had songs on two versions of DDR fan game In The Groove, and also made the song for this video, and is the first person I know personally who has something selling on Itunes. He knows an awful, awful lot about J-pop music and Japanese pop culture, and once casually suggested to a J-pop band, The Moist Towelettes, that they cover The Frank Chickens' hit, We Are Ninja, (Not Geishas) and they did it. They even made up a cute little dance.

His hysterically happy Becky record is available via Itunes, and he also drew the cover. He also has music projects called Peroxide Mocha and Grammar Rodeo. As if that's not enough, he's also one of the country's foremost experts in hideous mugs. He's such a special person, I just wanted to take a minute to tell you all about him.

Death in the Family

Teddy Bear Morgue

It's a bittersweet day for me, as my childhood bear, Boffo, escaped his closet sanctuary and was immediately mauled by birthday boy Chico Jones, who claims that he was keeping the house safe from marauding bears. It was hard for me to find my old bear less an eye and a nose, unable to see or breathe, and I had to have a long talk with myself about what exactly I thought I needed a 34 year old bear for. I finally put him down humanely, along with any remaining happy memories of my childhood.
At this point, what I am most worried about now is that Chico will think he would be able to take a bear he encountered in the wild. Perhaps it was his advanced age, but Boffo's total lack of defensive ability might have given my dog false confidence.

It's not the first time Chico has gotten confused on the subject of bears and dogs. When we took him to see Grizzly Man, we had to move to the back of the theatre because he was growling at the bears. You can't fool him, he knows Canis when he sees it.

The bear in question in happier days.

A re-creation of the crime scene.