I'm number twoooo!

At long long long long last, the Portland Amateur Comedy Contest is over! It's over, there's no more contest! It's over, it's over! I'm number two! I'm really happy. I'm happy it's over. The final results are:

1. Richard Bain, very funny person.

2. Virginia Jones and Nathan Brannon tied for #2!

3. Veronica Heath, professional!

4. Tim Cornett, Auslander!

If you came out, thanks so much! Especially Sul, who got lost and then still came. Really and truly, having so many friends there made me the real winner. Please enjoy this video, which will answer the question, "What if I could look up her nose on the Internet?"

Grand Theft Pizza Party, Wednesday at Ash Street!

This month's installment of Grand Theft Pizza Party features the comedy of Seattle's Andy Haynes , Travis Jones, and The Portland Oregon Them!, featuring the former cast of the Famous Mysterious Actor Show. They'll also be screening a number of video shorts, including the world premiere of the latest ad from Funtown Auto and Bobby Hacker's contribution to Portland's 12-hour film race. Stick around afterwards for the brilliantly bizarre music of Canoofle! Grand Theft Pizza Party! Wednesday, June 20th! Ash St. Saloon, 225 SW Ash St.! 9:30pm ! $5 ! The Portland Oregon Them! Andy Haynes! Travis Jones! Canoofle! Videos! Special Guests! See you there!

Sha-Zam!

Emily drinks a glass of magician water.

I am proud to announce that my sister, a week after moving to Noo Yawk, has landed a gig as David Blaine's P.A. She is on call 24 hours a day to pick up his magic pants and get his magic coffee. I was then in the position where I had to explain to my mother who David Blaine is. I went with: he's a magician who doesn't so much do tricks as he performs feats of putting up with extreme inconvenience, such as living in a fishbowl or starving above London in a glass box, or indeed living in New York City. And then she asked me a question that I can't answer: "In what way does that make him a magician?"

The Boosh is Loose!

I know that the American fanbase for the Mighty Boosh show is roughly eight people, but I'm excited to pass on that they have a fantastic new website, and that their show will be back on the air in the Yew Kay in Fall. Click the pic to see their super site!
It's almost on-topic to display the canvas Chucks that I recently Boosh-ified with Noel Fielding pictures:

Self-Awareness at the Crystal Ballroom

Once in a lifetime, you'll see a photograph which expresses the true nature of your soul, and it will scare the shit out of you. Here's mine.

Who are you?

They really want to know.

Let this be seen as a lasting treaty between France and Great Britain.

Mama, There's a Dead Homosexual in My Mouth!

For some reason, I feel the need to keep my page updated on current grocery store products. I am now the proud owner of a new toothbrush that sings Queen's "We Will Rock You" to me for two minutes, the minimum amount that you should brush for optimum oral hygiene: Tooth Tunes.
The song plays *through the bristles and straight into your head cavity* with all the amazing surround-sound quality of an AM radio that comes in a pen. I wanted to brush well, because I have recently had my teeth shrink-wrapped like my grandmother's couch, to preserve them for future generations.
If Queen is not gay enough for you, the toothbrush also comes in YMCA flavor. Also, you can get a cover of Katrina and The Waves' "Walking on Sunshine", so every time your kid brushes his teeth, the bass player from the Soft Boys gets a nickel for writing it.

If I were to pick a Soft Boys song for an electric toothbrush to play, it would be this one.
The Soft Boys – Positive Vibrations

Very strange postscript: After a couple of weeks of using my Queen toothbrush, my teeth are sparkling clean, and hearing "We will Rock You" makes me think about brushing my teeth.

Just What?

I don't think that this kind of intolerant baking product has any place in a post-Imus political landscape, do you?

Russophilia!

If an Anglophile loves English people and culture, and a Sinophile loves Asian people and culture, what is the word for Mary Murphy? She's the judge who hysterically screams on So You Think You Can Dance, and she was seen smooching Season 1 Russian hottie Artem Chigvinsev during Season 2, but has moved on to Season 2 Russian hottie Dmitry in the third week of Season 3.

In related news, the only reality television show worth watching, So You Think You Can Dance, is back on the air.