Auggie Roast!

Auggie Smith Roast! The very funny Auggie Smith is getting the what-for on Monday, November 17th, at the Fez ballroom at 8:00- his nearest and dearest will FINALLY be letting him know what we really think of him. Portland luminaries Susan Rice, Troy Thirdgill, and Art Krug will be taking a turn, along with about a dozen others, including one Virginia Jones- I think the attendance could max out on his ex-girlfriends, but you might be able to get a seat if you were really nice.

Favorite Things

This flyer, featuring a mash-up of G.W. and a Smiths album cover, has been making me laugh on my bike commute for a week, so finally I post it, 24 hours after the event occurred.

By The Kicking Of Some Bums...

Holli Pappan made me cry, then laugh, and then cry, at the perfectly miniature Famous Mysterious Actor costume she put together for Halloween. My dreams have died, but my soul sings free.

Something Famous this way Comes!

I can smell it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this pixy for all my life, oh Lord
Can you feel it screaming and throwing candy tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord

Well, if you told me you were Cutter, I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am
Well I was there and I saw pre-enactments, I saw them with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been
It's all been a stack of pies!

The Famous Mysterious Actor is throwing a Halloween Party at Berbati's Pan! Come out and wear a costume!

Oh Max Rider! How I Detest You.

Oh people. I try to be positive. We're all on this earth together. And granted, I've been moody this week. Listen, I really am so proud of Portlanders who take the train and leave their cars at home. But this week I have shared the train with some amazing folks.
This dude felt that his music selection was SO AMAZING that he needed to play it out loud on his tinny Iphone speakers, and everyone in the section had to spend extra energy studiously ignoring him. The only song I recognized was "Let It Be", because the sound quality sounded like it was being played off of a flexi-disk with an unbent paperclip. He also had those "baby" earplugs, which I feel are bullsh*t. What, did you use a paper-punch?
This guy in the ugly hat didn't do anything wrong, but I wanted to commemorate the moment- I got to enjoy a double feature from the guy next to me. The first reel was Fat F*cker Eats A Box Of Fried Chicken On The MAX. The second reel was Greasy-Fingered Fat Guy Operates an Iphone. I like to think the guy in the hat outside is also watching the phenomenon of the chicken-eater.
This guy in the cowboy hat was hitting on a teenager who had the unfortunate luck of being seated next to him- loudly, and at great length. In this photo, he is looking at me taking a picture of a pedophile.

One time in 2005, a guy moved so I could hang my bike and not get kicked off the train. I hate every other person on every other train besides him.

Catching up with the Jones!

Lene Lovich and Nina Hagen enjoy Halloween

You know, part of the reason I wanted to start a blog was so that I would do more stuff to talk about - to tend to say "yes" instead of "no" to invitations, and to get out and do comedy- in the short-term, it looks like I am doing too much actual stuff to actually post to my blog very much- this is like the Chinese curse, May You Live In Interesting Times.

Up and Coming: Halloween! I love Halloween. It's like Christmas to me. Our costumes are ready, our hooker stockings are hung by the medicine cabinet with care- I was excited to see that the party at the Fez (after the Famous Mysterious Actor show at Berbati's!) is hosting a costume party themed for television and pop stars, (We are Lene Lovich and Nina Hagen!) Wish me luck-

Eugene! I am excited about the all-girl laugh-fest coming up the weekend of the 14th and 15th, and looking forward to meeting more funny ladies and making up more jokes on the only topics we work around, dating, dogs, and dieting!

Chariots of Rubber! I have recently been cast in Jeffrey Wonderful's musical about Demolition Derby, love, and Cindy, the Erotic Pleaser as a Backup Dancer, so I can add that distinction to my resume! I have NO idea when or where it will premiere, but it is going to be FANTASTIC. They told me I could tap dance in it. Equal parts Hedwig, Rocky Horror, Grease, and giant, talking nipples.


Exclamation Mark!

I leave you with a Fact-of-The Day quote from John Hodgman's very funny new book, More Information Than You Require:

HALLOWE'EN: Originally called Samhain, this is the traditional Pagan-American holiday when we ask our children to consider the fragility of life by dressing them in darkly colored costumes and vision-impairing masks and encouraging them to walk around in the road.

Monster Letters!

You can get your name in monster letters here!

I love I-mockery at this time of year.

My Motto, Courtesy of Ron Bennington from the Ron & Fez Show

Dear Mom;

Please don't read this.

Everybody else:

I think a person needs a motto, words to live by, a phrase with which to mold and shape one's life and mine is: Fuck it!

It's a magic phrase. As Stephen Baldwin says in Usual Suspects:

"Bad day. Fuck it."

And shrugs off three murders like a dirty coat. It just makes me feel better to say it, at any time, day or night. I don't mean to sound negative- To say "fuck it" is an affirmation, to say- this is not going to get me down. You know what? Everyone doesn't like me, and worse, sometimes people who don't like me have good things happen to them. I like someone, they don't like me back? Fuck it! I have lost my keys, patience, or mind- Fuck it! If I failed, I must fail harder. There is no shame in failing, there is only shame in not trying. As the rainy season starts in Portland, long grey periods punctuated with moments of dark, I want to bring my favorite phrase to the forefront of the collective unconscious: Fuck it!

It's Coming! Halloween!

It’s almost that spooky time of year again! I have always loved Halloween. I think it’s tailor-made for girls- who doesn’t like dressing up and being rewarded with candy? Maybe I love it because I snared my first boyfriend in 8th grade at a Halloween party while dressed like Cleopatra and kicking serious asp.
In college, I rocked an Egyptian Cat Goddess (Bastet for the nerds) look with face fulla paint and a head fulla acid and met another guy. We made a date for a couple days after, but I didn’t keep it when I realized he did not actually know what I looked like. Of course, being a suburban gothgirl meant that the day after Halloween was the optimal time to head to Michael’s MJDesigns and stock up on cheap-azz clown white and fishnets. Day of the dead, indeed!

Historical Document from 1987
I like that in America, adults still get to dress up, although I have been slightly annoyed that the women’s costumes are limited to some combination of Goth girl and whore. Maybe you’re right. Maybe there’s not a giant difference between the two. But really- I’m a sexy witch, I’m a sexy vampire, I’m a sexy cat, I’m a sexy maid, I’m a sexy corpse- and then the guys are all supposed to be inflated sumo wrestlers and ketchup dispensers? How is a sexy witch supposed to get it on with a sumo wrestler? And all the guys are so into pirates, but they’re not into dressing as hobos, the disabled, cross-dressing transient muggers of today.
It’s not fair.

Sex and candy- hey, speaking of, when are Marcy Playground coming out with another record?

Costume Idea for Two People:White tees, 2 dreadlock wigs, 2 giant baseball caps, sunglasses. One is Big
Wayne and one is Medium-Sized Wayne.

But my point- and yes, I have one- Children ruin Halloween.
1. There is a new horrifying phenomenon when sometimes lazy, whorish Mom’s outfits are handed down, so you see an eight year old dressed as Spooky Nurse Fuckalot. Here’s some candy, honey. No, I don’t want an enema.
2. Halloween is about fantasy, and children don’t need any more fantasy. I’m tired of hearing their bullshit stories about what supposedly happened at Grandma’s.
3. Kids refuse to keep their goddamned costumes on. Last year, I met a ninja who had lost his sword and taken his hood off, so what we were dealing with was: a midget in black pajamas. I ask you. Pirates have their eyepatches upside down on foreheads. Princesses drop their wands in the toilet. What kind of commitment is that to a “look”? No commitment at all.

Costume Idea For One Person:
Smeared evil clown makeup, and covered in pills: Amy
Winehouse.

3. Trick or treat is a farce, and as far as I can tell, it’s our fault. The little ghosts and goblins are home having their stashes rifled through by their paranoid, chocolate-starved parents by the time the street lights come on. I get home at 5:30, my house is egged and crudely spelled signs are stuck in my lawn already. Let me say- most of the time that candy is, god forbid, poisoned, it's the kid’s own parents who do it, and I'm sure they have their reasons.

4. Mommy, why is there a blood-covered phallus coming out of me? Mommy?

Costume Idea for three friends:
Girl dresses like a streetwise hooker with strawberry hair,
two guys dress like the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and say "Bow Bow-Chicka
Chicka": Pink and Yello.

+

Halloween. Adults. Let’s take it BACK.

Dark Day

I was in a meeting, and the presenter said that in a women's sportswear line we wanted to pursue the fun and surrealism of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, with the intellect and wit of Janeane Garofalo.

I tried to look on the bright side- after all, it's been several years since people were saying "bling" or "Ghetto Fabulous", and it's been a year since anyone tried to drop "kawaii" into a sentence about performance sportswear. It has only been a month since I had to endure someone repeating "manga" meaninglessly when they meant "anime." But really, what kind of sense does that make? In what way are pants like Janeane Garofalo?

Why won't the earth open up and swallow me whole?

You Know, Our Mortal Time Is Short!

You might as well spend as much of it drunk and laughing as you can. This open mike needs two things: AUDIENCE MEMBERS and COMICS. Come on out. I've got free entertainment for audience members and free drinks for comics. YOU. CAN'T. LOSE!

Update: Looks like the Tiger's on life support- if you ever wanted to come see me host this venue, why not make it be in October?

Postscript: Well, after an attendance of four comics, two audience members, and Gil Brown, I have put the Hungry Tiger comedy mike down, holding it and stroking its fur affectionately as the needle went in. Its breathing gradually slowed and I watched its powerful, leather-padded paws clench and relax as it went into its final sleep.