Bridgetown Presents: Natasha Leggero and Tig Notaro!

This show is next Saturday, the 20th. It is going to be fricking hilarious. Tig Notaro rocks my hetero world. I saw her in Andy Wood's basement once, and at the Eagles' club on upper Hawthorne during the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. She is a deeply funny lady. She was Sarah Silverman's love interest last season.
Natasha Leggero is funny AND she's straight, so that's a bonus for all the boys. Together, they're gonna kick some unholy ass at Berbati's Pan! Come on out!

STORMWATCH POSTSCRIPT: Tig and Natasha are as brave as they are beautiful, and the show is ON but has moved to Mt. Tabor Theatre on Hawthorne, same time, 9:30! Jump on the 14 and come out!

I'm on The Opener

For awhile, funny Ohio comic Jim Tews had a web series called The Opener, and I was on it once as Irate Club Denizen.
Unfortunately, it was cancelled, which is sad, although I didn't know you could have something cancelled that you made yourself. It's like cancelling a diary, or a weblog, which is called "blog" to people in the know. Jim has a record coming out on Itunes called "A Reference From My Act", and it is very funny and enjoyable.

Internet Psychic!

I predict that in these tough economic times, people will no longer be Rickrolled, or gently tricked into watching Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up", and will start getting Mickrolled, with Simply Red's "Money's Too Tight To Mention", with even more hideous Ginger Mick Hucknall. You heard it here first!

Wednesday!

The delightful DJ Rhienna has offered that I can host a turkey call contest on Wednesday, which is something I have never done before.

Merry Christmas To Me!

Since a blog, at its evil little heart, is just an electronic medium for belly-button meditation, and since my family occasionally looks at it, I thought I'd let everybody know that I have an Amazon wish list for you to peruse. You know, at your convenience.

Press!

I'm starting this page for to keep my press clippin's!

New York's Digital City Blog article here.

The Comedians Magazine article here.

Auggie Roast Post-Mortem

Super-Christ Auggie-Star

A lot of people who are curious about things that happen in the world, but unwilling to leave their houses for it, have been asking how the Auggie Smith roast went down. Here are the highlights as remembered by me:

Troy Thirdgill in a beautiful daishiki as Reverend Jeremiah Wright, whom I'll bet you didn't even KNOW was a friend of Aug's. Amazing.

Richard Bain wrote a special joke for everybody, and wore his t-shirt that Zach Galifianakis signed, and in general looked like Richard.

Dax Jordan on Lonnie Bruhn: If you took away the palsy, he'd just be cerebral.

Andy Andrist on Dax: What's in his neck, it looks like... an elbow?

Me on Ron Osbourne: Doesn't he look handsome? This is the first time I've seen him in pants that didn't zip into shorts.

Aug on Holli: Holli Pappan, she's the second-hottest comic in Portland, behind Andy Wood.


Me on Aug: He talks about having kids, but he doesn't understand that you have to sleep with the same woman...for nine months...in a ROW.

Andy Wood on Mustard Man: Musty couldn't be here, but he's missed because...

Aug: You're gonna do the Musty jokes?

Andy: I wrote 'em! I'm gonna do 'em!

Andy Wood on Richard Bain: Did you hear that Richard Simmons is going on the Richard Bain diet? He eats shit, but only when it matters!

Art on Richard: What's it like when Richard tries to dress up for an event- AWK-WARD!

Dax on Virginia: She's a vegan, she rides a bike to work, and she's still fat! Me: I'm gonna kill you.

Dax brought some show-and-tell, in the form of a forgotten storage trunk full of Auggie's posessions, including a photo of himself on the toilet, and a Christmas Looney Toones tie, from the dark days when he was first learning to dress himself.

At the end of the night, as we stood around finishing our drinks and laughing at the pain we were going to bring to people who called us fat, we heard a majestic KA-WHUMP and turned towards the sound, many of us crying "Shit, Lonnie!"

But it was a tiny lady's boots sticking in the air, and the semi-sober but very embarrassed Edie Van Ness was fished out from where she had fallen. Once it was clear that she was not hurt, we went back to laughing. She is in the center of this photo, which was taken pre-fall.

Front: Andy Andrist

Behind Andy: Richard Bain and Ron Osbourne

Keith Wallan, Arlo Stone, Edie Van Ness, Auggie Smith, Troy Thirdgill, Holli Pappan, Susan Rice, The Top of Andy Wood's head, Me Looking Like an Ass, Dax Jordan, Art Krug

Comedy Hookers Attack Eugene

The lovely and funny miss Alysia Wood wrote this, but it's such a great account of my weekend that I am stealing it.

Lizzy's "Date-Gate" 2008

Cockblockers?

Four comedians including myself, one with a fashion degree, a plus-size fashion model and the daughter of a former economics professor convicted for beating a Wal-Mart cop were turned loose in a small city with too much free time.

Lizzy Pilcher drove us to Eugene, OR to perform at the NW Women's Comedy Festival. We met up with Portland's Virginia Jones and Veronica Heath at the show.

Afterwards, we ended up at the smallest, saddest, most depressing gay bar on earth. It was called SNAFU, and there was no life, no style and - best we could tell - no gay people.

Not one to have her parade pissed on, Virginia Jones danced on:

In search of a better bar, we passed drunken hipster chicks dancing on the sidewalk. Virginia accosted them with, "Hey, you ladies, be careful! People HAVE been known to Jazzercise themselves to death."

Shortly after that, a car pulled up, "Hey, do you guys know where…?"

Virginia responded with, "We don't speak your language."

This was the moment that I fell in love with Mrs. Thom Jones.

It was raining, freezing, windy and foggy but nonetheless, Veronica decided to have a photo shoot. Since my cries of "Are you fucking serious?" went unanswered, I won't post those photos in protest but here's Virginia and I freezing as they modeled and I GPS'ed directions:

Finally we ended up at Diablo's. Within seconds of arriving, our group melded with a funk band, (initially) to my chagrin.

I should tell you now that man pictured below is the one we've chosen for Lizzy to marry.

Clearly he's got the funk. Only the best for our girl (whether she likes it or not).

Lizzy later voiced that she wanted the photo for her MySpace page, "to make all the boys jealous."

"You mean, more jealous," quipped Veronica, "than that photo of you in that sweater in 10^th grade with your flute?"

"Dude," Lizzy said, it was a clarinet."

I befriended a woman I will call Gramma Panties. As you can see, Virginia loves her also.

Virginia, Gramma Panties and I enthusiastically danced to the band's last song, during which the bassist slid into our booth while playing, stared pointedly at Lizzy and said, "Did you notice I dedicated all the songs to you and worked your name into all of the songs?"

She gave her standard-issue response: wordless devil horns.

Then she awkwardly looked to us for help but all three of her designated cock blockers had secretly agreed that we were going to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. We start snappin' photos.

Maybe it was his day job, the abs, the Philly attitude, the funk, the solar plexus-high green shorts/chains combo or that he was embarrassing the shit out of Lizzy with the gusto of a male stripper but… Virginia and I attempted to get Lizzy trashed. Instead, we got ourselves drunk with one sober but boy-crazy Veronica... all choosing not to come to the rescue of an only mildly-buzzed and severely annoyed Lizzy. It's difficult to outsmart or mind fuck Lizzy Pilcher (read her advice columns). It was 3 to 1 but Team Philly Funk could have used a fourth person.

The bassist, BTW, is due credit for surviving a swim in a 4-female-comic pirhana tank.

Virginia gave the bassist and Gramma Panties her card while Lizzy stared her down. We promised to get them past our show's $25 cover with a chorus of enthusiastic:

"Of course you should go!"

"OMG that would be SO cool."

"You should totally go!"

"We would love it if you went!"

"That would be SO awesome!"

"It's a GREAT show!"

Proof of Drunk includes: we forgot we made this promise and didn't have a guest list.

We stumbled back to the motel giggling, "He's perfect for you" and "Lizzy, shut the fuck up. We know what's good for you."

I knew we were getting through (at least a tad bit) when Lizzy that would normally would (and has) punched me, simply seemed exasperated from being badgered and said, "You're all whores."

We giggled ourselves to sleep. In the middle of the night, Lizzy rolled over, punched me in the face then rolled back over. She seemed asleep but I'm convinced it was a passive aggressive payback.

THE NEXT DAY

Virginia took a page from the military's torture playbook. We awoke to her shrieking, "DID YOU NOTICE I DEDICATED ALL THE SONGS TO YOU AND WORKED YOUR NAME INTO ALL OF THE SONGS?!"

She mocked Lizzy from a foot away, "REMEMBER THAT?"

Lizzy sat up partially and rubbed her eyes. "Yeah... I know…" she said flaty.

"He was so adorable," Virginia pushed.

"Adorable," I echoed. "and you punched me in the fucking face last night."

We then all turned to Veronica, who sat up slowly and said, "Olasyfn ghprnvcisau... ncpaurvnpcim... IUYRiwcey… Mmmmmmmm…."

Veronica attempts morning communication before she has the ABILITY to communicate. I think she was trying to say, "Someone take my picture."

At breakfast (coincidentally) we all wore all black at yesterday's smeared makeup – we probably looked more like a goth cover band.

Instead of dropping the issue like most newly-sober people would, we continued to badger Lizzy then dropped the issue all together. The bill (thanks to 2 for 1 coupons and a cash/credit mix) became a fucking nightmare and I was hungover.

I used the $30 left on my debit card to declare, "I headline so I no longer have to do math," and went outside to smoke, leaving Lizzy and Virginia to figure out the math while Veronica furiously texted in the parking lot.

Two cigarettes later, Lizzy shoved cash in my hand and we formulated our day: coffee, liquor store, convenience store, tattoo shop.

We made is as far as Starbucks before getting side-tracked by a street fair.

We struggled to keep track of Veronica, who is similar to an A.D.D. riddled child and - I can't say it enough – a photo whore.

Virginia usually obliges Veronica's persistent and manic "Get the camera!" (although sometimes Veronica would silently break from the pack and we would later find her in some random place).

Here's one place we found her, wordlessly posing:

However, when Veronica and Lizzy broke from the pack, Virginia continued to walk and said, to me, "Oh, that is NOT happening. I see what they're trying to do and it is not gonna happen."

I looked over my shoulder to see Lizzy and Veronica plopped down next to an elderly man in a colorful shirt who had a parrot on his shoulder (BTW: the face and neck beards didn't connect).

Veronica yelled, "VIRGINIA!"

Virginia yelled back "NO!"

"VIRGINIA!"

"NOooo!"

"VIRGINIA!"

"Nope!"

They did this until we were safely out of ear shot, trying on hats.

Then we met "Frog the Jokeboy" and I was unable to stop Virginia from buying me a set of his books. Meanwhile, Veronica bought peacock earrings, which we berated until we saw them on an episode of Top Model that night.

Veronica then suggested we join the Prop 8 protest across the street and dramatically announced that she would "REFUSE TO REST until my gay brothers can marry."

But first she wanted to find a tattoo shop. Inside, the person at the register asked, "Has she been helped? What can I do for you girls?"

I responded that we needed him to tell Veronica that she couldn't afford a tattoo so we wouldn't be late for our "appointment."

We left her there and a protestin' we went.

SOoooo to recap: Veronica refuses to rest until her gay brothers can marry OR she gets a tattoo…

We, on the other hand, used Virginia's fashion degree to cobble together "the five minute bride" out of a table cloth and white sequined tube top from a religious thrift store.

I'll have you know, a good cause is mandatory if you want to see me in ANY tube top, much less a white, sequined one that is a size too small.

We fashioned together our eye-catching bride in a café bathroom then hurried to the protest.

We found a large drum circle on the courthouse steps and 3 abandoned signs but no Prop 8 protesters. So either it was a VERY quick protest or the popular protest was at a Mormon church. I'll gladly protest a court for equality but protesting a religious organization for voting for their beliefs seems rather hypocritical (even if I disagree with them). Plus, it wasn't walking distance. So we hung around, took photos and talked to homeless people. Lizzy and I posed as a couple.

Veronica arrived and greeted us with "What's going on? Virginia, why are you wearing an eye patch?"

At this point, we headed back to the motel. We passed a booth with cookies. The sign said:

"Got a problem you can't solve? Let us pray with you. Free!

I snickered, "Hey, do you think we can get them to pray for gay rights? How would they react?"

We started reviewing and uploading photos while Veronica morphed into the shower drill sergeant, ordering everyone to lineup for showers (preparing 4 female performers takes a long time).

She and Lizzy went to the convenience store to buy water-based lotion for her behind-the-ear tattoo, which was covered by a napkin that was scotch-taped to her hair but otherwise flapping around.

On the way back, a pierced woman in a Camaro pulls up to them and yells at Veronica, "Hunney, you gots some toilet paper behind yer ear."

Veronica responded, "I know. It's not toilet paper."

"Well," the woman yelled back, "I thoughts maybe yer friend was trickin' ya and ya didn't know."

To which Veronica responded, perplexed and annoyed, "How would my friends TAPE toilet paper to my HEAD without me knowing it?

Note: She forgot to buy the lotion.

THAT NIGHT:

The Best Part

I'm smoking and drinking a cup of coffee outside of the cabaret that night when Lizzy abruptly punches me in my "coffee arm".

"Dude," I snap, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"THE BASSIST IS HERE," she yelled.

"SO," I shot back, "why are you fucking punching me?"

She stared at me for a few seconds as though as I was supposed to have empathy until she realized that she wasn't getting any.

"Shit," she said under her breath, "He paid the $25 cover." She threw her hands in the air, rolled her eyes and said louder, "Now I HAVE to sleep with him… FUCK!"

I shrugged and sipped my coffee.

On my way back from backstage, I passed Lizzy preparing to go onstage who locked eyes with me and said, "Fuck you."

I laughed and kept walking… because I'm a good friend.

She then proceeded to go onstage and CRUSH. At one point, she told the audience that we'd all run out of money and asked for someone to buy her a beer. A few beats later she sneered sarcastically, "I'm sure there's a LINE of men to buy me a beer."

Um… in the back of the room, Veronica, Virginia and I started FUCKING HOWLING because we saw the bassist spring up to buy her a beer. Lizzy, oblivious, gave us the stink eye. A minute or so later, he brought her the beer onstage and –

the look on her face…

WAS…

…UTTERLY…

PRICELESS…

AND WE HAVE IT ON VIDEO…

And it got BETTER and BETTER and BETTER…

Over the audience, farthest from the camera I suspect that you will distinctly hear three women UTTERLY losing their shit with reckless abandon. I'm probably the loudest.

I don't want to spoil what happened next but if you read this far then you owe it to yourself to experience this:

In the meantime I can tell you that I got:

That video

One wicked hangover

Two new friends

Two gifts from Virginia (copies of "I Was A Teenage Frog" by Frog and "The S & M Frog Joke Book: Recycled Jokes" by Frog (and by copies, I mean Xeroxes))

A White, Sequined, One-Size-Too-Small Tube Top

2.4 trillion photos of Veronica

Also, Lizzy would like you to know that Burrito Boy is the best burrito place ever.

"Happy Holidays!" from the four of us.

Now if you'll excuse me, the three of us are planning Lizzy's wedding (whether she likes it or not).

I Been Hyp-mo-tized!

I just got word that my sister, the lovely and talented Laura Ryan-Day, is in the Wall Street Journal today and will be on Good Morning, America on Monday, discussing how hypnosis is helping her clients cope with the financial downturn. Anyone in the Austin, TX area looking to be hypnotized by a stone fox should check out her website here.

She has offered to hypnotize me before, but since she is my little sister and owes me some back pay for our childhood, I have always been concerned that she will put me down for anxiety but when I wake up I will cluck and scratch the ground like a chicken anytime someone uses the word "potato."

My other sister, Emily, has of course had quite a bit of media coverage for her freebies blog and advice on living on the cheap in New York City. If I could think of a way to help people through the financial crunch, we'd be a dang cheapskate empire!

Umm, I think the pic is photoshopped. I don't remember Simon being that blurry.

Pacific Northwest Women's Comedy Festival, Part 3!

Where's Badinia?

If you like funny things, live in or around Eugene, and either know a woman or are one, please come check out two nights of comedy at the Third Annual Pacific NorthWest Women's Comedy Festival at the Actor's Cabaret, November 14th and 15th! This year, there are two nights of laughs, with comics from Seattle, Portland, Eugene, Corvallis (I know! Corvallis!) and elsewhere. I'll be performing on the 14th, and hanging out the rest of the time.

Producer and booker Leigh-Anne Jasheway-Bryant is posting updates and promo information on the participating comedians here: Comedy Festival Blog. This is my third year attending and my second year performing and I'm looking forward to it. It's also part of The Grrrlz Rock! month of women in music.

Pacific Northwest
Women’s Comedy Festival ‘08
November 14 & 15, 7-10 p.m.
Actors’ Cabaret of Eugene, 996 Willamette

Friday, November 14 7-10 p.m.
The Best of Oregon
Melody Dodd, The Free Range Chix, Veronica Heath, Leigh Anne Jasheway-
Bryant, Virginia Jones, Potpie Theater, Ashly Reiss, Sarah Ulerick

Friday, November 14 10-midnight
Booze & Schmooze
Join the Pacific Northwest’s funniest females for two hours of giggling and partying.

Saturday, November 15th
The Best of Washington (with one Best of Oregon thrown in for good measure)
Amy Alpine, Sebrina Doyle-Schultz, Robin Fairbanks, Bryley Hull, JeanAnn O’Brien, Suzanne Park, Lizzy Pilcher, Alysia Wood


Tickets are $25 for each show. The Booze & Schmooze is also $25. You may purchase yours by calling 541/683-4368 or logging onto http://www.actorscabaret.org/tickets.php.

Who Are These Funny Women Anyway?

Amy Alpine is a board-certified clinical sexologist and stand-up comic. She prides herself on rarely confusing the two professions. She is also the former producer of Standing Room Only, a television comedy talk show and the former host of a weekday radio show in Seattle.

Melody Dodd performs comedy to prevent herself from adding husband #4 to her permanent record. She has performed for the Cottage Grove Elks Club and can now die happy.

Sebrina Doyle -Schultz is a fabulously funny multitasking mama and self-proclaimed superwoman who mines comedic gems from the rubble of life.

Standing a whopping 4’11”, Robin Fairbanks sees life through the eyes of a woman who truly understands that, “Life is short!” Robin co-founded The Material Girls and The Divine Order of the Ha Ha Sisterhood shows in Seattle. comics with audiences who craved their brand of humor.
The Free Range Chix are hysterical and 100% organic and steroid-free. At least they are today. With their pitch-perfect vocals and thigh-slapping comedy, don’t be surprised if you end up singing one of their songs at your next annual exam.

Often referred to as a Party Girl Comic, Veronica Heath delivers comedy that will have you blushing a little and laughing a lot. She was a part of the Shades of Laughs Comedy Tour and placed in the finals of the 2007 Stephen Colbert Portland Amateur Comedy Competition and others.

Having overcome her education, Bryley Hull spends her time writing, doing improv, and spending time with family (and not just to get new material, honest!). She has performed in comedy clubs all around Seattle.

Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant couldn’t decide whether to become a politician or a comedian, but having no grasp of foreign policy whatsoever and not being able to see Russia from her hometown of Eugene, she decided to make people laugh. She’s the 2003 Erma Bombeck Humor Writing winner, a former radio host, and has performed at clubs and conventions all across the U.S.

Virginia Jones was a finalist in Portland’s 2007 Amateur Comedy Competition, The Portland Mercury’s PIZZAZZ talent show, and in Portland’s Comedy Knockout. Her mother is proud of her.

JeanAnn O’Brien is a big force in the Seattle comedy scene, but if the new diet works, that won't be true much longer. Throwing caution to the wind and displaying a disregard for public safety, JeanAnn goes on stage completely devoid of estrogen. She is the founder of the Divine Order of the Ha Ha Sisterhood and has played in comedy clubs and for conferences, luncheons, and retreats all around the country.

Suzanne Park was a finalist in the Oxygen Network's "Girls Behaving Badly" talent search. In 2005 she was the winner of the Seattle Sierra Mist Comedy Competition, and in 2007 she was a semi-finalist in NBC's "Stand Up For Diversity" showcase in San Francisco.

Lizzy Pilcher is 73 inches of sarcasm and self deprecation that melds potent blend of humor that is truly unique. She has performed all over the Pacific Northwest including: the Seattle Comedy Underground, Tacoma Comedy Underground, Giggles Comedy Club, Laughs Comedy Cafe in Bellevue, and Yuk Yuk's in Vancouver, B.C. When not doing comedy, she shuffles papers for the man.

Potpie Theater, voted by their own parents as "The Best Thing Ever" in an impressive three to one victory, formed in 2005. Their performances, an off-beat blend of improvisational theater and sketch comedy, have entertained audiences since only very slightly later in 2005.

Ashly Reiss alternates stand-up comedy and meetings of Shy People Anonymous, where she is Treasurer and Class Clown. She doesn’t have a day job and thanks you not to suggest she stick with it.

From her secret life as the comedy column writer on her high school paper in Virginia, to a 1970s improv group at the Red Dog Saloon in Juneau, Alaska, to her current 15-year shtick as Eugene's Queen Bananita Sluginsky, the first Russian-Western-American S.L.U.G. Queen, Sarah Ulerick she has always used humor for good not evil.

Alysia Wood was selected by Campus Activities Magazine as a Hot Comedian of 2009. She hopes they are referring to her material. She's appeared on Bob & Tom, Comedy Time and in bankruptcy court where the judge ruled, "it's really too bad you don't have better 'people' because you really are quite funny."

Auggie Roast!

Auggie Smith Roast! The very funny Auggie Smith is getting the what-for on Monday, November 17th, at the Fez ballroom at 8:00- his nearest and dearest will FINALLY be letting him know what we really think of him. Portland luminaries Susan Rice, Troy Thirdgill, and Art Krug will be taking a turn, along with about a dozen others, including one Virginia Jones- I think the attendance could max out on his ex-girlfriends, but you might be able to get a seat if you were really nice.

Favorite Things

This flyer, featuring a mash-up of G.W. and a Smiths album cover, has been making me laugh on my bike commute for a week, so finally I post it, 24 hours after the event occurred.

By The Kicking Of Some Bums...

Holli Pappan made me cry, then laugh, and then cry, at the perfectly miniature Famous Mysterious Actor costume she put together for Halloween. My dreams have died, but my soul sings free.

Something Famous this way Comes!

I can smell it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this pixy for all my life, oh Lord
Can you feel it screaming and throwing candy tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord

Well, if you told me you were Cutter, I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am
Well I was there and I saw pre-enactments, I saw them with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been
It's all been a stack of pies!

The Famous Mysterious Actor is throwing a Halloween Party at Berbati's Pan! Come out and wear a costume!

Oh Max Rider! How I Detest You.

Oh people. I try to be positive. We're all on this earth together. And granted, I've been moody this week. Listen, I really am so proud of Portlanders who take the train and leave their cars at home. But this week I have shared the train with some amazing folks.
This dude felt that his music selection was SO AMAZING that he needed to play it out loud on his tinny Iphone speakers, and everyone in the section had to spend extra energy studiously ignoring him. The only song I recognized was "Let It Be", because the sound quality sounded like it was being played off of a flexi-disk with an unbent paperclip. He also had those "baby" earplugs, which I feel are bullsh*t. What, did you use a paper-punch?
This guy in the ugly hat didn't do anything wrong, but I wanted to commemorate the moment- I got to enjoy a double feature from the guy next to me. The first reel was Fat F*cker Eats A Box Of Fried Chicken On The MAX. The second reel was Greasy-Fingered Fat Guy Operates an Iphone. I like to think the guy in the hat outside is also watching the phenomenon of the chicken-eater.
This guy in the cowboy hat was hitting on a teenager who had the unfortunate luck of being seated next to him- loudly, and at great length. In this photo, he is looking at me taking a picture of a pedophile.

One time in 2005, a guy moved so I could hang my bike and not get kicked off the train. I hate every other person on every other train besides him.

Catching up with the Jones!

Lene Lovich and Nina Hagen enjoy Halloween

You know, part of the reason I wanted to start a blog was so that I would do more stuff to talk about - to tend to say "yes" instead of "no" to invitations, and to get out and do comedy- in the short-term, it looks like I am doing too much actual stuff to actually post to my blog very much- this is like the Chinese curse, May You Live In Interesting Times.

Up and Coming: Halloween! I love Halloween. It's like Christmas to me. Our costumes are ready, our hooker stockings are hung by the medicine cabinet with care- I was excited to see that the party at the Fez (after the Famous Mysterious Actor show at Berbati's!) is hosting a costume party themed for television and pop stars, (We are Lene Lovich and Nina Hagen!) Wish me luck-

Eugene! I am excited about the all-girl laugh-fest coming up the weekend of the 14th and 15th, and looking forward to meeting more funny ladies and making up more jokes on the only topics we work around, dating, dogs, and dieting!

Chariots of Rubber! I have recently been cast in Jeffrey Wonderful's musical about Demolition Derby, love, and Cindy, the Erotic Pleaser as a Backup Dancer, so I can add that distinction to my resume! I have NO idea when or where it will premiere, but it is going to be FANTASTIC. They told me I could tap dance in it. Equal parts Hedwig, Rocky Horror, Grease, and giant, talking nipples.


Exclamation Mark!

I leave you with a Fact-of-The Day quote from John Hodgman's very funny new book, More Information Than You Require:

HALLOWE'EN: Originally called Samhain, this is the traditional Pagan-American holiday when we ask our children to consider the fragility of life by dressing them in darkly colored costumes and vision-impairing masks and encouraging them to walk around in the road.

Monster Letters!

You can get your name in monster letters here!

I love I-mockery at this time of year.

My Motto, Courtesy of Ron Bennington from the Ron & Fez Show

Dear Mom;

Please don't read this.

Everybody else:

I think a person needs a motto, words to live by, a phrase with which to mold and shape one's life and mine is: Fuck it!

It's a magic phrase. As Stephen Baldwin says in Usual Suspects:

"Bad day. Fuck it."

And shrugs off three murders like a dirty coat. It just makes me feel better to say it, at any time, day or night. I don't mean to sound negative- To say "fuck it" is an affirmation, to say- this is not going to get me down. You know what? Everyone doesn't like me, and worse, sometimes people who don't like me have good things happen to them. I like someone, they don't like me back? Fuck it! I have lost my keys, patience, or mind- Fuck it! If I failed, I must fail harder. There is no shame in failing, there is only shame in not trying. As the rainy season starts in Portland, long grey periods punctuated with moments of dark, I want to bring my favorite phrase to the forefront of the collective unconscious: Fuck it!

It's Coming! Halloween!

It’s almost that spooky time of year again! I have always loved Halloween. I think it’s tailor-made for girls- who doesn’t like dressing up and being rewarded with candy? Maybe I love it because I snared my first boyfriend in 8th grade at a Halloween party while dressed like Cleopatra and kicking serious asp.
In college, I rocked an Egyptian Cat Goddess (Bastet for the nerds) look with face fulla paint and a head fulla acid and met another guy. We made a date for a couple days after, but I didn’t keep it when I realized he did not actually know what I looked like. Of course, being a suburban gothgirl meant that the day after Halloween was the optimal time to head to Michael’s MJDesigns and stock up on cheap-azz clown white and fishnets. Day of the dead, indeed!

Historical Document from 1987
I like that in America, adults still get to dress up, although I have been slightly annoyed that the women’s costumes are limited to some combination of Goth girl and whore. Maybe you’re right. Maybe there’s not a giant difference between the two. But really- I’m a sexy witch, I’m a sexy vampire, I’m a sexy cat, I’m a sexy maid, I’m a sexy corpse- and then the guys are all supposed to be inflated sumo wrestlers and ketchup dispensers? How is a sexy witch supposed to get it on with a sumo wrestler? And all the guys are so into pirates, but they’re not into dressing as hobos, the disabled, cross-dressing transient muggers of today.
It’s not fair.

Sex and candy- hey, speaking of, when are Marcy Playground coming out with another record?

Costume Idea for Two People:White tees, 2 dreadlock wigs, 2 giant baseball caps, sunglasses. One is Big
Wayne and one is Medium-Sized Wayne.

But my point- and yes, I have one- Children ruin Halloween.
1. There is a new horrifying phenomenon when sometimes lazy, whorish Mom’s outfits are handed down, so you see an eight year old dressed as Spooky Nurse Fuckalot. Here’s some candy, honey. No, I don’t want an enema.
2. Halloween is about fantasy, and children don’t need any more fantasy. I’m tired of hearing their bullshit stories about what supposedly happened at Grandma’s.
3. Kids refuse to keep their goddamned costumes on. Last year, I met a ninja who had lost his sword and taken his hood off, so what we were dealing with was: a midget in black pajamas. I ask you. Pirates have their eyepatches upside down on foreheads. Princesses drop their wands in the toilet. What kind of commitment is that to a “look”? No commitment at all.

Costume Idea For One Person:
Smeared evil clown makeup, and covered in pills: Amy
Winehouse.

3. Trick or treat is a farce, and as far as I can tell, it’s our fault. The little ghosts and goblins are home having their stashes rifled through by their paranoid, chocolate-starved parents by the time the street lights come on. I get home at 5:30, my house is egged and crudely spelled signs are stuck in my lawn already. Let me say- most of the time that candy is, god forbid, poisoned, it's the kid’s own parents who do it, and I'm sure they have their reasons.

4. Mommy, why is there a blood-covered phallus coming out of me? Mommy?

Costume Idea for three friends:
Girl dresses like a streetwise hooker with strawberry hair,
two guys dress like the Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and say "Bow Bow-Chicka
Chicka": Pink and Yello.

+

Halloween. Adults. Let’s take it BACK.

Dark Day

I was in a meeting, and the presenter said that in a women's sportswear line we wanted to pursue the fun and surrealism of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, with the intellect and wit of Janeane Garofalo.

I tried to look on the bright side- after all, it's been several years since people were saying "bling" or "Ghetto Fabulous", and it's been a year since anyone tried to drop "kawaii" into a sentence about performance sportswear. It has only been a month since I had to endure someone repeating "manga" meaninglessly when they meant "anime." But really, what kind of sense does that make? In what way are pants like Janeane Garofalo?

Why won't the earth open up and swallow me whole?

You Know, Our Mortal Time Is Short!

You might as well spend as much of it drunk and laughing as you can. This open mike needs two things: AUDIENCE MEMBERS and COMICS. Come on out. I've got free entertainment for audience members and free drinks for comics. YOU. CAN'T. LOSE!

Update: Looks like the Tiger's on life support- if you ever wanted to come see me host this venue, why not make it be in October?

Postscript: Well, after an attendance of four comics, two audience members, and Gil Brown, I have put the Hungry Tiger comedy mike down, holding it and stroking its fur affectionately as the needle went in. Its breathing gradually slowed and I watched its powerful, leather-padded paws clench and relax as it went into its final sleep.

I'm A Weiner

I just back from a casino gig in beautiful Coos Bay, OR. It was a fun gig supporting the very funny Milt Abel. After my last casino gig in Pendleton, where they carried the Native American theme through to offering smallpox blankets, the Mill Casino seemed like a fancy dream. Generally, I'm too cheap to gamble, and would prefer to throw my money in the toilet- but I was trying to hide my eyes from the sadness of a five hundred year old woman putting pennies in a slot machine, threw two bucks in a poker slot, and won ten dollars American. I'm a winner, no matter what they said in high school! Ten dollars=PROFIT!

Kelso Wonderland!

Having your name in lights makes you feel important!

Having your name misspelled in lights only slightly less so.

Really and truly, I had a grand time featuring in Kelso for Mark Saltviet.

Can You Help A Bitch Out?

One of my favorite periodicals, Bitch, (come on- this comes as a surprise to no-one) is in a financial pickle. Donations are tax-deductible and will help you sleep at night. Here is the editor and her special friend. http://bitchmagazine.org/donate

Postscript: Looks like they made goal in a jaw-dropping three days! Feminism's not dead, despite Sarah Palin!

Party Pooper

I met this little guy at an adult person's party this weekend. He broke the cardinal rule of drinking parties and fell asleep first. Boy, is he gonna be upset to wake up with a dick on his face! Even his dad was embarrassed to be seen with him, but they had gotten there in the same car and stuff, so he had to drive the shamed baby home.

If you're wondering what's wrong with me, I don't honestly know.

How are my Chicks? Well, they're on Speed.

Chicks on Speed sometimes look like Kraftwerk Orange from the Mighty Boosh.

Alert Consumer Peet pointed out this week that Payless Shoe Source was running an ad with a Chicks on Speed song in it, Fashion Rules. A decade ago I would have spit on the ground and called them traitors or sellouts, but these days I'm not sure there's any such thing. I just felt happy for them that they made money with a great song, and that Payless can sell more cheap-azz vinyl shoes. To me.

Alert Consumer Peet has also pointed out that there is a song on the same Chicks on Speed record called "Sell Out." My brain may explode!