My Sisters on Good Morning, America

The camera loves my sisters, and they love to give me the business. I especially like how my mother gets cut off in the middle of her favorite phrase, "Listen to your mother!"

Christmas Eve Massacre!

An innocent Cinnamon Bear was trying to go to bed and wait for Santa, with his Mallomar Christmas tree and a wreath made out of a fruit loop and half a Red Hot, when a horrifying creature showed up and destroyed his house.

Chico did not actually get to eat as much of the house as it looks like, although he did throw up gingerbread graham crackers later. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Zombie Movies

With I Am Legend in the theatres and Christmas in the air, my friend Homero and I recently fell to reminiscing about our favorite Zombie Holiday films. There have been so, so many.

All I want for Christmas is BRAINS! (1992)

How the Zombies Stole Christmas (1966)

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever Ruined With Moaning And Killing(1986)

Frosty the Undead Snowman(1969) (TV)

It's A Wonderful Reanimated Life (1946)

Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence- Are You Undead, Yet? (1983)

Miracle on 34th Street- Grandpa Came Back! (1947)

Yes Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus, But He Is A Brain-Eating Zombie (1991) (TV)

They're Coming To Get You, Barbara! Holiday Special (1987)

That's Not Holly, That's A Blood-Spattered Ficus (1984)

Happy Holidays, everyone!

I'm Feeling Itchy- 'Cos I've got the Hive!

I've been asked to step in for a scheduled DJ, who, while reading old Propaganda magazines and crimping his hair, exceeded the gothic saturation point and melted into a puddle of hair dye, body piercings, and eyeliner. Anyone familiar with the New Rotic brand knows to expect a tantalizing mix of vintage British spookiness, post-punk, and new wave, and in general music good for wearing PVC and corsets to. Come out and mope with me!

What would you do?

What would you do if you opened up the Coastal Weekend publication and this majestic beast of an advertisement stared you in the face? Up to 30 people came down and took us up on the offering of two ladies doing comedy in the Pacific Northwest's oldest standing masonic lodge. Mommas, lock up your sons, especially if you are already dating them. Many thanks to the hilarious Susan Rice for showing me how it's done.

Number 1 Crush!

Have You Seen This Boy?

Everybody has one, their first painful, awful, wonderful, unrequited crush? Right? Anyone? This is mine,Jeremy Schwartz. This is his picture from our Junior High yearbook, where he was voted Funniest Boy. He was active in drama and was a generally hilarious guy. I had never met a hipster before, and I liked him so much that I talked like a retarded crazy person every time we met. I literally made no sense. I know a lot of you are saying; "But how could you ever be socially awkward?" but believe me when I say: Late bloomer. Something about being raised in a basement by a man who had no friends kept my social skills weak. When the day came that I asked a friend of his what he thought of me, I was only mildly surprised to get the answer, "He's pretty creeped out, and finds you stalker-y." This did not dissuade me from planning to name our first child Echo Schwartz, after the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen*.

Fast forward twenty years, and I found his name in an IMDB listing for the fantastic, doomed, Strangers with Candy, and dropping Viper-related wisdom on Sopranos, and I was thrilled to when Tivo fished him out of an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger as a snitch named Nicky. Spouse was vaguely horrified to see that I was looking at an episode of W,TR, and then said flatly, "Oh. It's the guy from the yearbook." When I heard him speak his lines, telling Chuck Norris' friends that he would tell them anything to stay out of prison, I time-traveled back to 1987. I have maximum respect for his pursuit of his art, and I am so knocked out by some of the credits he's racked up, I wanted to post his first dedicated fan page here, in an attempt to spice up his Google search.

*Don't write to correct me when I'm quoting Young Ones.

Ten Thousand!

Well, it's been coming for several weeks now, and I've been trying to think of something clever to write about it and have failed miserably. Listen, I know a lot of you have just stopped in looking for pictures of nude lolitas and trying to figure out how to dress as Old Gregg or buy some crack, but I know that at least five of you are my actual friends checking in on what I'm up to, and I want to say thank you. Happy 10,000 website hits, everybody! Google will probably buy me out soon. It's been great!
P.S. I'm happy to say that the bestest band ever, Peroxide Mocha, is back in action after four quiet years- click on the picture above to hear their inspirational song, "Good Ideas."

Star World: An Alternate Dimension

Star World is an expatriate-aimed television network in Asia, India and Sri Lanka that I look at when I am in that part of the world. It's magical, really, because they buy shows based on price rather than quality, so it's like living in an alternate dimension. It's a world where Kelsey Grammer had a long-running sketch show for the incomparable Paul F. Tompkins to appear on. It's a place where Knights of Prosperity, the show about the guys who decided to get together and rob Mick Jagger, was broadcast for an entire season, and where people continued to watch 8 Simple Rules after David Spade replaced the beloved and departed John Ritter. Most horrifyingly, it's where there are repeated showings of episodes of Criss Angel's Mindfreak. If any of this has sent shivers down your spine, consider it a possible future reality if the writer's strike is not resolved!

No Questions, No Photos

I know some people have been asking when they can see me do more than a drunken five minutes of jokes in a smoky room full of comics who are talking about who has given whom a social disease. Good news! I have been invited to do a half an hour of material featuring for one of my favorite chicks, the hilarious Susan Rice, on December 14th. The bad news is that it's in Astoria, OR, at the Labor Temple, at 934 Duane St. I hope that Ron Bennington will be pleased I'm doing a gig where Goonies was filmed.
If you like comedy and live in Astoria, please come! Especially if you're my hairdresser's mom, the wonderful Kristi Bullock from Do! Rad Cuts And Color.
As long as I'm plugging, please vote for Susan in Ziddio's Lucky 21 contest!

Postscript: Wednesday, Dec 5th (Next Week!) I will be doing 15 minutes at the Hungry Tiger Too at 9!

207 SE 12th Ave
Portland, OR 97214

A Moving Plea

This is the time of year when my dogs most personally resent the "lifestyle choices" that spouse and I have made. They say, yes, meat is murder, but surely turkeys are only manslaughter. They see the Thanksgiving grocery store commercials on the television and smell giblet gravy and turn up their flat, leathery noses at Tofurky. If you and your family have any extra table scraps for these spoiled, fat, farting bastards, please mail them to our house in a greaseproof envelope so they will shut up.

For Donna Ryan

Dear Mom;

Here is the tape I've been promising of my set at the Oregon Women's Comedy Festival. There is a part two if you're interested. I hope you have an enjoyable Thanksgiving and don't adopt any additional cats. Remember what they say about comedy and prostitution: the first time you do it for money, you're a pro.




Love, Virginia

Bulldog Attack!

Look out!

We're Old Gregg!

For anyone looking for an Old Gregg costume, here's what I used:
1. Swamp Queen wigs (dreaded up and all funkay)
2. American Apparel lame leggings (hologram gold looks best)
3. Petticoats
4. White Boots
5. White ties
6. Black button-down shirts
7. Silver jackets with fishing lures sewn on
8. Black, red, and green makeup (sounds Christmasy, but isn't)
9. LCD lights attached to jock straps
10. White Gloves, and I made green fishy hands
11. And of course, Bailey's!

PIZZAZZ, where is thy STING?

I had the most fun ever last night not winning anything (except the hearts of the audience) in the sold-out Mercury Pizzazz talent show, thank you so much for attending if you were in attendance. Here is some behind-the-scenes gossip:
1. After the first act, the stagehands were walkie-talking each other about the vast amounts of unicorn blood that had to be mopped up.
2. One of CJ's dolls was a replacement from that very week, speaking to the hard work and talent involved!
3. The question that everyone has about Diamond Motion's Madison is answered by the phrase: stuffing and wig tape.
4. White Stripes and Arcade Fire be damned, the music that rocks Portland is by Miss Bonnie Tyler, whose Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out For A Hero opened and closed the show, respectively.
5. The song I used in my tap routine is the subtle and hilarious Hell, by Angel Corpus Christi.
Congratulations to acrobatic masters KAZUM for their second-place winnings of $500 and a pile of street cred! It was an amazing moment when the #1 spot was given to a breakdancing act, because of the rush of hot air BOOOs flowing over the stage-
Although we did not get to watch the show in the green room, as I understand it, this broken and bloody apocalyptic unicorn was ROBBED, being the crowd favorite who didn't win:

A sad story, indeed!

I've Got Pizzazz!

I got the shoulder tap today confirming that I will be competing in the Portland Mercury Talent Show, PIZZAZZ, on Friday, October 26th at the Wonder Ballroom. I know that a fire dancer/stripper/bike activist will win, so I am free to relax and have fun with it. I think what swung them on my entry was the fact that while Jerry Lewis used to incorporate tap dance and comedy, no-one has ever done both in a dolly outfit. I have been slyly advised that people with cheering sections sway judging. If only I had one of those...

Where: The Wonder Ballroom, 124 NE Russell
When: Friday, October 26, 7PM Doors
How: $10 tickets available at the door, or onsale now at the Wonder Ballroom and all Ticketmaster locations
Who: YOU and a group of Portland's most fantastic and bizarre entertainers

Claims to Infamy

Although it is a couple of years old, I think this rendering of myself and my spouse at the center of the party in the pages of Opi8 is worth sharing. I am depicted as my own midgetized version, but the dancing and haircut are spot on. Spouse is the tall fellow who looks like himself. Also pictured are author Tait B. on the left-hand side of the bottom panel, New York's Billy K on the right at top, and the gentleman on the far left is Damian Ramsay, who left us last April but would have been 29 on October 28th.

Curiouser and Curiouser...

I have a tiny hand

In a world of increasingly obscure and specific gigs, I am excited to report a real doozy. I will be performing at the second annual Oregon Women's Comedy Festival on Saturday, November 3rd in Eugene, OR, so I am pressuring you to attend if at least two of below are true:

1. You are a woman

2. You like funny things

3. You live near Eugene.

I'm very excited to be asked, if only to share the roster with former Oregonian Lisa Myers and the always hilarious Susan Rice, and I've been told that if I'm good, there's the very real possibility that I'll get a t-shirt with my name on it. Let's face it, I'm easy. The festival includes writing workshops and a comedy show on the campus of Lane Community College.

If you don't qualify on the above three, please do plan to come cheer for me at the Portland Mercury's PIZZAZZ talent show on Friday, October 26th! I can guarantee you: you've never seen anything quite like my act, unless you can see into my dreams.

In other news, I am excited to announce that the amazing Susan Rice is a finalist in the Lucky 21 contest at http://www.ziddio.com/. Please sign up, click on "contests", check out her comedy and vote vote vote until October 21st!

The Challenge of Old Gregg!

It has come to my attention, through the science of hit tracking, that someone else on the interweb is also planning on dressing as The Mighty Boosh's Old Gregg for Halloween. I'm hoping that you'll stumble across this page again and will pick up my dropped white-glove gauntlet: Please send me pictures of your completed Old Gregg costume, and if it beats mine, I'll send you a bottle of (what else?) Bailey's Irish Cream. I'd love to have a gallery of Greggs. If you're looking for pre-Halloween inspiration, here's a very cute (American!) girl Old Gregg.

To the uninitiated, Old Gregg is a cross-dressing mer-man hermaphrodite. He's a Rick James with a slightly fishy odor. He's got a downstairs mix-up and an itch for disco. He's Old Gregg!

Postscript: OK, you scaly man-fish, you modern gentlemen, I can see you cyber- surfing my waters. 20 people looking for information on Old Gregg costumes today alone! Don't be shy, add a comment and tell me about your Gregg plans, motherlicker!

I'm gonna hurt you.

I like you.

Ok, now I'm getting 60 hits a day based on looking for Old Gregg costumes. They have been sold to people who I hope will enjoy them! Here is my collection of Old Greggs from ALL OVER THE INTERNET- enjoy!

Party at Ground Zero!

I don't know how many of my readers are from Medford, Oregon, but I'm headed out for what promises to be a stupendous road gig with headliner Keith Wallan tomorrow night, Friday, October 5th, at club Ground Zero!
Keith Wallan works in wordplay, observational humor and cussing. He's the last bastion of sanity in a world gone insane.

Virginia Jones has never been to Medford. She's funnier than Bill Hicks, John Belushi, and Gilda Radner put together. In fact, she's funnier than all dead people.

They are both left-handed Capricorns and they're the same height. This is a love note to everyone in Jackson County- come out and see us tomorrow!

Ground Zero*123 S Front St* Medford, OR*(541) 779-4827

Postscript: I am distressed at Ground Zero's lack of web presence, which in my book means that it does not exist, but I found a clipping from the MailTribune for this night, and it really says it all!

"Comedians Keith Wallen(sic) and Virginia Jones will perform at 9 p.m. Friday, Oct. 5, at Ground Zero, 123 S. Front St. Admission to the show costs $5 and includes a buffet-style dinner."

The Bitter Tears of The Eternal Poseur

On the thirtieth anniversary of the first punk record that I heard, the Sex Pistol's Never Mind The Bollocks, I find myself helplessly drifting off into nostalgic reverie, as the aged will sometimes do. When I was a teenager, I was 12 years too late for punk. It was dead and in a coffin in the King's Road. But I had a haircut and some homemade t-shirts and I remember thinking: "It'll be great, man, when everyone's a PUNK and you go to the bank and the teller is a PUNK and the waitress at the restaurant is a PUNK and the COP is a PUNK and PUNKITY PUNK PUNK PUNK, and we will TAKE OVER." And now, at last, my dreams have come true. Everyone from movie stars to graduate students wears black, smeary eyeliner and has tattoos and a really nice guy at work is a 24 year old Cornell alum with a two-tone faux hawk. And it's terrible. Really, really bad. When I spent my free time getting superfluous facial piercings and listening to questionable music, I felt part of a small, surly culture, but because these pursuits only involved a small cash outlay and willingness to risk infection, they eventually filtered down to the general population. The first time I saw an eyebrow ring/baseball hat combination, I knew it was no longer a mark of my people. Tonight I saw a gentleman on the train with a tongue ring and what is typically known as a "hesher" mustache headed out to the part of town that rhymes with "Hesh-ham".
All I'm saying is: bike messengers, death metal kids, transvestites, animal activists, militants of all stripes and outcasts of all denominations: don't be surprised when one day, people you have nothing in common with look just like you. I found it painful, and I hope you'll steel yourself from that same disappointment.

Robots in Disguise/Lasers in Your Eyes

Lasik: It was weird. They offered me my choice of a stuffed leopard and Spongebob Squarepants to hold during surgery. My first impulse was: I'm an adult and I don't need a comfort animal. However, once they strapped me down and taped my eyes open, I asked where the leopard had gotten to. It's gonna be a dark, dark day before I ask for Spongebob. When the lasers started, I could smell my eyemeats cooking, so I'm pretty sure it's not vegan. I have had plugs put into my tear ducts, so every time I put in eyedrops I weep like I'm watching Babe, The Gallant Pig.
An interesting side effect: several people have asked me if I will have my prescription glasses remade with clear lenses so that I can look the same after surgery, and I have to point out to them that I think that the point of having the surgery is so I don't have to wear glasses. That's kind of the effect I am going for.
I am rocking 20/20 vision today. I am on an intravenous supply of eyedrops. I am not allowed to do anything that involves possibly getting punched in the face. If you see me, please try to avoid that impulse.

Ground Control to Major Dog...

For some reason, I am compelled by ungodly forces to report when my dogs have to go to the vet. Today, Hazel had to have a thorn removed from her paw, just like Aesop's fable, except that instead of a lion, it's a dog who looks like a bat and sounds like a pig, and instead of a mouse, it's a vet, and instead of exchanging favor for favor, he charged us $700.
And now I have a Space Dog, because she can't stop licking her foot. I think my dog is like a person in many respects, but if you had a hurt foot, your solution would never be: lick all the hair off, and when it's red, swollen, and irritated, keep licking.

Never stop licking.

Maybe there's a lesson we can learn here after all, about where persistence gets you- in a space dog collar.

The Return of Labyrinth!

Dear Portlander;

Hold your head up high! I don't know how you've avoided the fact that Labyrinth, that wonder of Muppets, Jennifer Connelly, and David Bowie's crotch, is running at the Hollywood Theatre in a new 35mm print, but it's true! I went to see it with my own eyes, and it was just as wonderful as I had hoped it would be. However, I was a slightly disturbed to find that there were a lot of children in the theatre, since David Bowie's crotch frequently takes up the whole screen. Sometimes, a muppet is talking to directly to it. Here are some questions that you might enjoy looking at the answers to.

Q. Where have I heard that whole "You remind me of a man. What man? The man with the power" business before?
A. You haven't, but it was an old vaudeville bit Cary Grant, Shirley Temple, and Myrna Loy enjoyed in the film "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer".

Q. Do you know the scene with the cleaners, where Hoggle's voice changes for no reason and sounds exactly like Harrison Ford? Do you think that George Lucas allowed them to sample the line from Star Wars?
A. Yes. I think so. I have no proof of this.

Q. Who made the stupid baby-gurgle noises in the same "Magic Dance" song?
A. Dame David Bowie had to, because the baby they brought him was of the non-gurgling type.

Q. Are you obsessed with the Magic Dance song?
A. Yes.

Q. Did you realize that Sarah invented cosplay at the beginning of this film?
A. No, I sure didn't! Thanks for pointing that out!

Q. If you buy the David Bowie as Jareth figurine, how do you prevent him from losing his crystal Michael Moschen juggle-ball?
A. I had to glue mine on.

Q. What does the little elf-person who turns Sarah's marked tile over say?
A. "Your mother is a freaking aardvark!"

Q. Is Labyrinth still the best movie featuring David Bowie and Henson's Creatures?
A. You bet your glittery, felt-covered muppet ass! Get out and see it!

How To Be A Scintillating Conversationalist

In this age of text messages and Myspace comments, in the sea of LOL's and WTF's, sometimes it's hard to connect to real-life people. Sometimes it can be dispiriting to open a full inbox to find one solitary message from a friend, and sixty-eight offers for a bigger penis. Trying to solve the problem, I first went to 19th century social etiquette manuals, but found that I did not have enough different teaspoons to get anything going. Please allow me to share with you some observations designed to help you muddle along in your day-to-day conversations, performed without aid of animated smiley faces and clips of pornography. Just today, I saw two people attempting to have entire conversations with headphones on, communicating via 1 inch buttons and pictures on their Iphones. Please look through the following and see if you can't start meaningfully connecting with others!

1. Don't talk about being sick, or bad things.
2. Don't talk about babies. Unless the person you're talking to has one, and then you should only talk about their baby. Even a baby one baby removed from their baby, such as a baby friend of their baby, is dull as dingo's kidneys to them. Their baby is the interesting one.
3. For sure, don't talk about sick babies. That's sad.
4. In general, don't talk about bad news unless it's about someone you both know, or a celebrity. This is called gossip, and it's very popular. There are articles that will tell you not to do this, but how can something that feels so good be wrong?
5. Only talk about fun and exciting things going on in your life- awesome trips you're taking, celebrities you're sleeping with, and reality shows you're going to be on.
6. If none of the above are happening, just go ahead and lie. For the most part, other people won't remember and call you on lies you've told, because they weren't listening. Besides, there are so many reality shows, and they are so ridiculous, nothing you can make up will be beyond the pale. If you say you're on a show where C.C. Deville is trying to learn to cook, who's going to question that?
7. Mostly, the other person is thinking about the same thing as you are: how fat you're getting.
8. A word on negativity: I know that it's cool and "hep" to talk about how much everything sucks, but look around you: between global warming, the war in Iraq, and Britney's botched comeback performance, do you really feel that the state of reality is so great that you need to downplay it, or the light and brilliance of the world as it is will blind us? I didn't think so.

Virginia on Neil Gaiman, Live at the Aladdin

Ten seconds of fame, from years ago- I was excited that my own pink-haired blatherings were chosen to intro a video of Neil Gaiman reading Neil Gaiman stories to Neil Gaiman fans. I love him, even though he's the man who made black leather look a little LARP-y.

50 Ways To Lose Your Liquor

If you are ever not sure if you are drunk, the Oregon Liquor Control Commission would like to help you with this downloadable list titled "50 Signs of Visible Intoxication." For your enjoyment and education:

1. Slurred Speech
2. Swaying, Staggering, or Stumbling
3. Unable To Sit Straight
4. Bloodshot, Glassy Eyes
5. Loud, Noisy Speech
6. Speaking Loudly, Then Quietly
7. Drinking Too Fast
8. Ordering Doubles
9. Careless With Money
10. Buying Rounds For Strangers or the House
11. Annoying Other Guests or Employees
12. Complaining About Prices
13. Complaining About Drink Strength or Preparation
14. Argumentative
15. Aggressive or Belligerent
16. Obnoxious or Mean
17. Making Inappropriate Comments about Others
18. Crude Behavior
19. Inappropriate Sexual Advances
20. Foul Language
21. Making Irrational Statements
22. Becoming Depressed or Sullen
23. Crying or Moody
24. Extreme or Sudden Change in Behavior
25. Overly animated or Entertaining (is there such a thing as too much fun?)
26. Drowsiness
27. Drinking Alone
28. Lack of Focus and Eye Contact
29. Bravado, Boasting
30. Difficulty Remembering
31. Rambling Train of Thought
32. Slow Response to Questions or Comments
33. Spilling Drinks
34. Trouble Making Change
35. Difficulty Handling Money
36. Difficulty Lighting Cigarettes
37. Lighting More Than One Cigarette
38. Letting Cigarette Burn Without Smoking
39. Clumsy
40. Difficulty Standing Up
41. Unusual Walk
42. Boisterous
43. Bumping Into Things
44. Falling Off Of Chair
45. Falling Asleep
46. Can't Find Mouth With Glass
47. Falling Down
48. Mussed Hair
49. Disheveled Clothing
50. Overly Friendly to Other Guests or Employees

This is a good list, my favorites for my own use including 5, 17, 25, 48, 29, and 33, and sometimes 41, 31, and 20 even when I haven't been drinking. However, I think that there are some good universal rules of thumb that they might consider including in future editions of the list. I posit that the following are also failsafe indicators of drunkeness:

51. Dancing for undetermined or inadequate reason
52. Demanding to hear Prince, even in the absence of a sound system
53. Groups of five girls trying to sing a karaoke song that only one of them knows
54. And she doesn't have the microphone
55. If it's from the Grease soundtrack, doubly so
56. Nostalgic statements about television of the 1980s, desire for various bands to get back together and tour.
57. Feats of Strength
58. Longing for Pancakes
59. Temporary Lesbianism
60. Stories from High School
61. Accessorizing for humorous effect
62. Tolerance for techno music
63. Bets and Dares
64. Repeats themselves
65. In possession of OLCC list with several things checked off
66. Covered in blood and feathers
67. Repeats themselves
68. Exists in more than 4 dimensions
69. Wears an ankh (sorry, that's top 50 signs of being a goth)
70. Is a goth
71. Repeats themselves
72. Believes they are drinking their drink, but are sipping wax out of a bar candle.
73. Says: "I'm so drunk."
74. Lists the drinks they have had.
75. Any one of the drinks is named after genitals or a sex act.
76. Forgets how many drinks they have had, and decides to start the count over.
77. Forms, joins or quits a band
78. Turns red, falls asleep in Dante's*
79. Sings along to a song in one's head
80. Is a zombie but is not interested in brains.
81. Is observed hitting on a musician
82. Is observed hitting on the bartender
83. Is observed hitting on a comedian (very poor judgement at this stage)
84. Is observed hitting on the DJ (time to call the ambulance, this happens right before unconsciousness)

I hope that this helps everyone in the future!

*Only applies to S.B.

The Dutch Treats are Coming!

Many many years ago, an "afflicted" young man picked up a guitar and threw it on the floor while muttering something about Webster's Emmanuel Lewis. Thus, the Dutch Treats were born. The Dutch Treats achieved legendary underground status in their twin hometowns of Denton and Dallas, Texas since first "playing out" in 1990, and later took Brooklyn, NY by storm, filling the storm drains with absurd rockin' goodness until it flowed out into the streets.

Seventeen years of songs about Chewbacca, Men at Work's Colin Hay, underage crack whores, dwarves, elves, and wizards later, they are debuting in Portland at the revival of the Hive gothnight at Plan B on Sunday, September 2. There are rumors that I'll be doing some spooky standup, and DJ's Retrograde and Retrovirus will be making an appearance, but the thing to see is definitely the Treats. Wouldn't you like to get to know them better?

And here's the world-famous video for the Dutch Treats song, Close Your Robe. It's been banned in fifteen countries, and all of Scandinavia. Come enjoy the music of the man who taught us that bacon+Dr. Pepper=ROCK.

Here's John Freeman's website, and his list of 1036 Band Names .

Postscript: What can be said about the event of the century? If you can't put your finger on what made it so special, go to Wikipedia and cross-reference "annoyed bike messengers who thought they had booked the room for a party" with "confused, overheated goths" and "drinking adventure!"
Johnny Murder, consummate professional, played a great set for his fans.

Laff Traxx

I'm mostly posting this for my mother's benefit, who should know that I don't talk this dirty most of the time.

The *Other* Vancouver!

Goodness gracious, I have an odd assortment of gigs and appearances coming up.

TUESDAY, August 21st: I will be doing two long sets of hi-larity at LAFF TRAXX, a monthly comedy/music night at the Dunes at 1909 NE MLK, Portland's finest underground speakeasy. It starts at 10 and there is a $3 cover, but resident performers Rush n Disco and DJ Solomon promise a hipsterly good time! Please come if you are in the neighborhood and don't like sleeping! Postscript: I never thought I'd laugh so hard at a handless lesbian puppet.

THURSDAY, August 23rd: I am emceeing a comedy night at Club Eclipse in Vancouver, WA with feature act Eric Severson and fantastic headliner Susan Rice! If you have been feeling like you get lost in the crowd when you come out to see me, THIS IS THE NIGHT to attend - this is the last comedy night at this club! They've been terrible, evidently! Please come out- show starts at 9 at 10311 NE HWY 99 in the 'Couve- take 1-5 to 99, (exit 5), and head North on 99 and look for the club on the right!

SUNDAY, Sept. 2nd: I'm so excited to be part of the rebirth of Hive in Southeast Portland, at the new Plan B club at SE 8th and Main! I will be doing comedy *and* DJ'ing, because I am versatile. There are going to be LOTS of exciting acts performing, featuring the historic, hysterical: Dallas' own Dutch Treats! Nobody has to go to work on Monday, so I expect to see you there at 9!

Fantastic Flyer!

Please note that the bologna used is vegetarian Bolo-no. I should also point out that this flyer was generated by DJ Solomon, and all excellence is his doing.

48 Hours With Eddies

Eddie looks up an angel's drawers

I am happy to report I got to see my hero, Eddie Izzard, do a show in Seattle last weekend. I was surprised that the ever-helpful Seattle Stranger curiously promoted the (sold-out) show as being titled "Work in Progress", as it actually was a work in progress. No merch, no tour, no makeup or Uma Thurman breasts (which Wikipedia claims his Sexie rack was modeled from). This set had ramblings about history, language, war, 300, sharks, Wikipedia, Alien, and a fly that hit him in the face onstage. If it sounds like established Eddie, it is, but with new directions, ideas and punchlines, and further honing of his own Eddie-ness. He got a little upset at the PNW tendency of the crowd to scream "WHOO!" at random times, stemming his flow, but I hope that he understood on some level that we are just so filled with love for him that it occasionally escapes our bodies with a high-pitched "woo" noise. I was so excited that I didn't have to fly to El Lay to see one of these, I didn't mind driving from Portland and back in 24 hours.

I had to get back to town to do a comedy workshop with the guy who books for Letterman, veteran comedy scenester Eddie Brill. It was super-great and educational, and he told me about visiting a comedy club that Eddie Izzard ran in London, which may be called Screaming Blue Murder, and I didn't know ever existed. After spending the day working on my act with him, I now feel free to drop his name at every opportunity. Example: "Well, as my good personal friend Eddie Brill, Letterman's comedy booker, says: I'd love a Grande Soy Latte."

Thanks to Tara for the fantastic pictures.

Sexie Motherfucker

At the Crystal, no longer On the Crystal

I got to see one of my favorite people at the Crystal Ballroom last night. He made a Depeche Mode joke, got one of his fans onstage to do part of a song, and wore every jeweled brooch available in the Pacific Northwest. He claims to love Portland as much as we love him. Answers to unasked questions:

Q. Who is winning in the Rufus fanbase, gay men or poetry-writing teenaged girls?
A. Do you want that answer based on individual number or combined weight?

Q. Who is slightly more gay than Rufus Wainwright?
A. Rufus Wainwright dressed as Judy Garland.

Q. What will a line of people waiting to get into the Crystal Ballroom steadfastly refuse to chant?
A. "The Roof! The Roof! The Rufus on Fire!"

Anyway, it was wonderful and very theatrical. Another musician's son opened, his name was Lemon or Lenin or something. He did one song that sounded like the Muppet Show hit, The Rainbow Connection. What's he trying to do, out-gay Rufus? I don't think so, brother.

Oh! Wikipedia claims that Rufus is a descendant of Dutch colonist Peter Stuyvesant, and according to my family, so am I. O cousin Rufus!

Postscript: A handsome gentleman let me know that after the show let out at one ayem, Rufus serenaded the late-night crowd at Silverado with karaoke until closing time. I wish I had the energy of young people!

Shady Dealings in Scapoose

I had no idea that my bulldog was into the occult.

I was in Scapoose recently. Yes. Don't be jealous. I was in Scapoose, minding my own business, and I was SHOCKED to see my own little bulldog, Hazel, naked and dancing in front of flames in some sort of doggy occult ceremony. When I asked her, she said she did not know anything about the illegal trash fire, but hail Satan.

A Night In Bagdad

Here's my set from the Bagdad Theatre last night. It was a magical evening, what with the Harry Potter line from Powell's wrapping around the block, the confused young ladies leaving the Tegan and Sara show in hoodies and identical haircuts, and a great attendance to a late-night comedy show! Thanks so much to the promoter, Tristian Spellman, and to everyone who came out, by whom I mean Amy, Chris, Chris, Darrell, Margo, Cara and her posse, Marc, Randy, Jane and her sister and her sister's sister, Pete, Alex, Mike, Megan, and everyone else who I forgot to mention. You're the best. It was an honor to open for the hilarious Susan Rice. She started stand-up in 1983, so I should be as funny as she is in 2030. I can't wait! Thanks to the Marconi Radio Show and Holli Pappan for saying my name on the radio, and thanks for Marconi for inventing the radio wireless by stealing it from Nikola Tesla.

Time-Travel Shocker

A fantastic individual has passed me this blog of antique photographs: imagine my surprise to learn that my own Chico is 92 years old!

That's 644 in dog years!

No wonder he doesn't like kids in his yard.

I've Never Really Been, So I Don't Really Know.

Here is the incredibly beautiful view of the island paradise Cozumel from inside the air-conditioned plane. I remember this moment vividly, because it was the last time I would be happy for a week. Looking at the other people on the plane, I began to wonder if I was going to like resort life. They appeared to be tanned, puka-shell-wearing, bikini-sporting, flip-flopping, entitled rich kids. If you can't tell the difference between paint thinner and vodka, and you believe you can outdrink the house at $200 a night, you'll really like an all-inclusive resort at Cozumel. If you want to swim with dolphins for $100, have sex with one for $200, or beat up a drugged, beached shark for $300, you would also enjoy Cozumel. It was a jillion degrees, and I was constantly surrounded by yammering, drunken, horny morons. I found myself compelled to steal other patron's kidneys, not for the black market but just to throw in the sea for sexually abused dolphins to eat. At one point, I overheard a lobster-red gentleman explain to a young lady that tequila is like sex. Because I quickly covered my ears and moved away, I have had to extrapolate that they both burn going down, and in both cases you may have to eat a worm.

This five-foot iguana had to serve as a dog surrogate during our trip. He liked bananas, and tried to get the tip of Spouse's finger as well. He could change color from bright green to orange, depending on what he felt like and what the current magazines claimed was fashionable.


Having a whale of a time in Cozumel
The wedding, long story short: It was a hundred degrees on the beach at 4PM, and I got to wear a floor-length polyester gown. Please note my whale necklace, picked out for me by my sister the bride, who did not feel that asking a six-foot tall person to wear the world's largest mammal around her neck would hurt her feelings. My other sister got a bee. Bees give the world honey and cute animal costumes. Whales give blubber and waxy vomit. Family is overrated.

Terrorista

I am waiting at the airport for a midnight trip to Mexico, "mobile blogging" on a Nokia 770, and have brazenly managed to sneak a 4.0 oz container of contact solution past the armed guards and the large signs sternly admonishing that nothing over 3.4 oz was permitted. I am giddy over my smooth criminality. Now all I have to do is work out how to take down an commercial aircraft with 0.6 oz of ReNu combination soft contact disinfectant/storage solution. I will be back soon, and many thanks to you if you are one of the three lucky people who agreed to watch my animals.

Six Degrees Of Simon Pegg

New York Gossip! My little sister is friends with a popular film director's sister, who has been dating Edgar Wright, the adorable, slightly Goth director of the fine films Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead, not to mention the phenomenal UK TV Series Spaced.
I'm four degrees away from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost! I am still only one degree away from my sister.

I wish *my* brother Robert was a famous director, but now Youtube has given him a place to expose his films to the world. I did the women's costumes for this fine feature film, Kung Fu Girl's Club. It has a certain...Charmed.

The Miss of Sythifuth

So, I like my teeth so much, I recently had them Saran-Wrapped to keep them nice for company. Really, I hate them so much, I got clear braces. I'm only on my third set, and already a buck tooth is sliding in line next to his friend, millimeter by millimeter. It's scientific! It doesn't hurt, but it feels like an elevator full of people pushing up against each other, and some of them have inappropriate erections. Another interesting side effect is that many people I mention my braces to immediately tell me about the flaws they hate in their own teeth, many of which I barely noticed. However, if you see me in real life and notice that I'm lisping or spitting, that could be why. Or it could be that I'm a gay cobra.

I'm number twoooo!

At long long long long last, the Portland Amateur Comedy Contest is over! It's over, there's no more contest! It's over, it's over! I'm number two! I'm really happy. I'm happy it's over. The final results are:

1. Richard Bain, very funny person.

2. Virginia Jones and Nathan Brannon tied for #2!

3. Veronica Heath, professional!

4. Tim Cornett, Auslander!

If you came out, thanks so much! Especially Sul, who got lost and then still came. Really and truly, having so many friends there made me the real winner. Please enjoy this video, which will answer the question, "What if I could look up her nose on the Internet?"

Grand Theft Pizza Party, Wednesday at Ash Street!

This month's installment of Grand Theft Pizza Party features the comedy of Seattle's Andy Haynes , Travis Jones, and The Portland Oregon Them!, featuring the former cast of the Famous Mysterious Actor Show. They'll also be screening a number of video shorts, including the world premiere of the latest ad from Funtown Auto and Bobby Hacker's contribution to Portland's 12-hour film race. Stick around afterwards for the brilliantly bizarre music of Canoofle! Grand Theft Pizza Party! Wednesday, June 20th! Ash St. Saloon, 225 SW Ash St.! 9:30pm ! $5 ! The Portland Oregon Them! Andy Haynes! Travis Jones! Canoofle! Videos! Special Guests! See you there!

Sha-Zam!

Emily drinks a glass of magician water.

I am proud to announce that my sister, a week after moving to Noo Yawk, has landed a gig as David Blaine's P.A. She is on call 24 hours a day to pick up his magic pants and get his magic coffee. I was then in the position where I had to explain to my mother who David Blaine is. I went with: he's a magician who doesn't so much do tricks as he performs feats of putting up with extreme inconvenience, such as living in a fishbowl or starving above London in a glass box, or indeed living in New York City. And then she asked me a question that I can't answer: "In what way does that make him a magician?"

The Boosh is Loose!

I know that the American fanbase for the Mighty Boosh show is roughly eight people, but I'm excited to pass on that they have a fantastic new website, and that their show will be back on the air in the Yew Kay in Fall. Click the pic to see their super site!
It's almost on-topic to display the canvas Chucks that I recently Boosh-ified with Noel Fielding pictures: